Empyrean

I've exhausted myself in constructing my tower to heaven. To reach the ever blissful Empyrean but it's always out of reach. It's a rabbit hole I'm spiraling into. You're my obsession because you're the desired perfection. The reassurance I could never give myself. The validation I could never find no matter how much I look. I kept digging but kept creating false earth. I tried leaping towards the fire but it would not have me. The rejection is what I fear the most. The abandonment is what I feel I deserve. I could never hope I'm the best because it's never the truth. I'm not good enough to reach the place where I matter to you. I keep trying to reach the level where I could meet you. I'm always imagining I'm beneath you. This flimsy ladder won't hold my weight. To reach the divinity of your celestial light. You're not perfect but neither am I. I want to be flawless but my insecurities are always the highlighted features. Why am I always trying to be more when all I do is isolate? I sabotage myself because it's easier this way. I believe in all the conspiracy theories about myself. The doubts that amplify, the pity that will never die. I keep missing my own expectations and worry that you'll never accept the real me. Full of anxiety and lamentations. You are the epitome of illumination. You represent all I hope to be. I keep putting you on this damn pedestal and pray for your deliverance. I want to be rescued from my own misery. I want to be saved from my own suffering. Everything I put myself through, I do unto myself. I put myself through punishment because it's all I deserve. I want to cross the bridge into Empyrean but the gods will not open the gates. The doors are chained and locked and the fence is electric. I want to be spared the pain from being myself. To see myself as worthy. To be the holy scripture that you can't live without. To be so sacred that you worship me. I cannot worship myself. I require permission to exist. To be the glorious deity that is allowed into paradise. This ascension alone will not suffice. I want to be the source of the perpetual light that I always sought. To see myself how I see you. This monument of flame was built out of desperation. This monolith to inferno was created to reach something I know is not there. This ancient column has been rebuilt over and over again. I cannot jump from this skyscraper into Empyrean. Empyrean was never there. I have wasted decades in believing if I continued to construct, makeshift Eden would embrace me. The shrine of Utopia would catch me as I fall. You are not waiting for me in the fields of Elysium. You are right here holding my hand. There is a possibility of completeness I will never explore because I am not supreme. I cannot be because it is not real. What would it feel like to be whole? To be honest with yourself and still love yourself for all you cannot accomplish? To rise above inferiority even though it was never really there? Empyrean ridicules me for believing in a radical aspiration. I am the masterpiece that is still being sculpted. You are the love that I cannot give myself for fear of failure. To be something so epic that you dare not miss out. I have worn out my desire to climb to Empyrean. Empyrean is a fable used to keep me in restraints. I am brave when I am with you. I can master being strong when I am alone. I can learn to be brave all on my own.