Eleven truths and a lie

1. Don’t ask me to choose a favorite flower, but it’s dahlia season and they look like fireworks without the terror of a gunshot.

2. I know how 5pm July sunlight warms the linen duvet, fills the bedroom—it’s honey and I’ve always had a sweet tooth. I might not know this if depression didn’t put me to bed so early. I think I’m glad to know.

3. After 72 sleep-deprived hours with a new puppy, I panicked and almost gave him away.

4. Now I can’t fall asleep until his head rests on my thighs, reminding me to exhale.

5. Most days I want to live. This isn’t the lie.

6. There’s a box under my bed filled with every handwritten letter, birthday wish, foreign postcard I’ve ever received. I reread them more often than you might think.

7. The lightest I’ve ever been was the day I spent floating in the Adriatic Sea. The same day I stopped believing in God.

8. Maybe it all works out in the end. Maybe we make it.

9. I bought a book called How To Live When a Loved One Dies. I didn’t find the answer I was looking for but here I am anyway, living.

10. Petrichor also means there’s sweetness after grief.

11. I wish I loved myself better when I was younger.

12. My favorite color is now, and wherever we’re heading.