Deus ex Machina

I am riding into the machine and I am too afraid to move and I can barely hear the noise over the music and I'm tired and I hurt and I want to cry and I'm trying not to think about how small is this space between and I'm still living in the liminal is there ever a way out and I'm trying not to shit myself because goddamn that would be embarrassing and they are taking pictures of my insides and trying to decide if I'm going to die.

And I'm walking around my home and cleaning and breathing and doing the everyday things and I can barely hear my thoughts over the music and I'm trying not to cry as I think of all the ways I might end up alone, but I'm already alone here except for my cat who is my only, only son and maybe always will be while we're both here trying not to die.

And I am so so so glad I'm not alone as she drives me to my surgery where the machine will cut me up and rip out my guts and cauterize me and glue me back up and I will never never never bear a child and I will never never never be the same and things will be better in so many ways they tell me but they don't say how I'll awake a different version of me.

And she drives me to her home and I am so so so glad I'm not alone because everything is strange and I need help to stand and I need help to eat and I have never never never been so dependent on anyone since I was a baby like the baby I'll never have now and I am bandaged and held and so very very loved and maybe just maybe I have never never never been as alone as I've always felt.