You get to the point where nothing at all matters. Not your passions, your progress, you, people who love you, what could be, nothing. Nothing alters your mind when you reach that point. People always say, “But what would your mom do without you?”
“How would your best friend feel?”
And you think to yourself...What about me?
What about how I feel while living this life for all of you? What about how I feel having nothing to truly care about anymore? No one listens. Or rather, no one helps when they do. It’s not their fault. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change this way of thinking. Chemicals have helped but as soon as those get messed up, you’re back to what really lies underneath. To what the medications mask everyday.
You start to feel as you are the pill, nothing more, and you wonder why even be here if the one people love is the person you are when your brain changes. Your brain, who you are. You are this mess they all see. Go to a mental institute? Have that on your record when you get out? Try to get a career for once but they can’t accept you because of your dark past?
No matter what, the reaper will always haunt you. He knows how to creep in softly. Every single time you think you’re finally free, life happens, and he’s screaming in your head again. You don’t want life to have the chance to happen anymore. You start to plan.
That tree looks like a nice place to hang your noose, those pills you take... you have enough to let yourself loose, why not turn the car abruptly and end it all? Then you think of what your last picture will be, the last thing you say to people, what will they say when I die? Who will care? And then you get mad all over again because they all will care. Then why the fuck aren’t they here? But their “here” never did anything so you’re stuck in this cycle of why are you even existing?
Why not just close the account? Why don’t you just do it you coward? What if you regret it but it’s too late? What if you’ll never truly be happy in this life if you did stay? What if what happens after death is worse than life? What if what if what if. Those are what save you and kill you at the same time.
What if your mom gives your dog away to a bad family? What if your passion gets an opportunity tomorrow and you miss it? What if you stay on your meds and it does get better? That you get everything back that your lacking. You go back and forth with the negatives and positives and before you know it you’re asleep, and then awake again for another day.
It’s a battle. A battle that sometimes seems so much easier to lose, but keep listening to the positive what ifs. Keep treading through it. You are not by any means, alone, at least not in these thoughts. That’s both depressing and comforting, but at least you’re not alone.You have people to fight with when you no longer care to have people to fight for. That’s something the reaper can’t take from you. He’s already taken so much. Don’t let him take what’s most loved.