Denial

Needs

Denial

Sometimes the need to be held by someone can be felt even by the ones that hate any type of attachment.

As I walked through my messed up, plain and somehow beautiful life, I felt this need make its way into my heart more and more each day, numerous times.

I never needed anyone, nor I wanted to be close to people.

I knew how people were and I decided not to get attached to anyone due to my previous experiences.

I did, however, feel sad and quite unsure about that decision sometimes, just as I did about most of the decisions I had to make in my life that I would sometimes give up on and not follow.

I liked being alone and even being lonely. I didn't have anyone at all, and I loved it.

No drama, no troubles and I also thought: no sadness, fear or tears.

But I was wrong again.

I couldn't have fun and go out with friends, attend parties or have many guys. I wasn't popular and everyone probably hated and judged me. But I didn't care.

I loved being by myself.

But the hard times came when I was forced to be around them and their various groups of friends, sat somewhere in the middle, by myself.

All eyes on me.

I had so many feelings, too many. But I would hide all of them.

No one knew the real me. No one knew I felt everything. No one knew I was hurt and I wanted to cry. No one knew anything.

I did.

They all thought I was tough and strong and confident and bossy and all of these amazing things because I acted like I didn't want or need anyone and I was completely fine and happy with myself, alone.

They were wrong.

They thought I hated everyone and the system they followed, the way they think, look, act. They thought I hated that place, I hated being there and they thought I felt like I didn't belong there.

They were right.

I hated everything and everyone with all my heart and I hated myself for it. I blamed myself for becoming who I was, and I wasn't even quite sure if that was me anymore. I started to wonder if who I became was actually me if I was being myself.

I started to wonder who I would be if I wouldn't have gotten through what I did, I started to think how I could turn into who I really am.

I felt confused and disorientated.

But I kept going because I knew that everyone was surely right about one thing:

I always had the strength to make it through anything.

Despite my feelings towards the human race and the world itself I did cry a lot about the whole situation. I did write a lot about it.

And I did feel like I needed to talk to someone, but no one was the right person. So I kept it all inside and decided to do something with all those feeling: So I transformed them into motivation and inspiration, I made myself happy. All alone.

However, although that worked...

Something was still missing: I was tired of seeing movies, photos or videos of couples and their perfect relationships that aren't even worth it if you don't fight for.

I was tired of seeing people being happy with other people and wondering if I will ever be able to do that.

I know that I wanted to, deep down, I wanted that with all my heart;

The same heart I turned off a while ago.

I longed for the feeling of someone always being there for me, for arms to hold me tight and never want to let me go, surprise kisses and songs, nights on the sofa, fights over stupid things that end in an ocean of love. I longed for the feeling of being loved.

I longed for love, I longed all my life.

I would wait every night for the clock to strike 11.11 and I would make a wish, always the same wish. I still believed in luck, love, happiness, connections, and destiny, faith.

However, I didn't like to admit it to anyone, especially not to myself. I slowly realized how much I wanted someone in my life, and that feeling scared me;

It didn't scare me enough though.

What I was truly afraid of was that I knew I had to wait, and I knew that person might never come.

I knew it wouldn't have been easy.

And I didn't know if I was ready for a new scar.

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Read next: I Am A Bullet.
Eva Beatrice

Take a moment, take a breath. What do you see? What do you feel? Let go of your fears and step out. Mistakes happen, just let go. Breathe in, breathe out. Everything will be fine.

See all posts by Eva Beatrice