Dear Silence

Dear Silence:

I tried so long

Just to escape

To take your roots out of my lungs

Force your teeth out of my tongue

Watching myself

Fill endless vials full of words

And tears

Watching a self I barely recognize as " ' "me" ' "

From the outside of a one-way mirror

Sewing my own mouth shut

To keep this down for years

"An iceberg" is an understatement

You alone know all you've taken

Out of me to keep an image

I was never really part of--

At least, not for real.

I'll admit i used to hate you,

Music on a looped repeat

Everyday from wake to sleep

Cause I can't stand the way

You mean the noise within my mind

When you're the one restraining me

And I'm the one that's left behind

The Burden, The Affected

Transgressor, dejected

And you're the one here telling me

I wasn't good enough

Burnt out? I've been burnt to dust

Tossed out with the waste of the day

And I blamed you

For the chance I wasn't brave enough to take

For the panic I'm unwanted

When she wouldn't text me back

For the fear that I'm a burden

Because I let their words in,

No matter how I swore I never did

I blamed you for the thorns

The spiralling-- a bloody storm

that made my thought life

A memory or twenty without sound

Years when I was told "I love you" on repeat--

then shown no one really wants me around

The day I needed someone to choose me

and instead I watched my best friend walk out

I blamed you for exacerbating

All the hurt that you've unearthed

Just by sitting by my side

When I'm alone with words inside my eyes

I blamed you for fear

and I blamed you for pride

For the sand that I'd been planted in,

The lies inside my Gilded fence

The time that let cruel words soak in;

for people choosing to hold their tongue

I blamed you for why I didn't run

When Intuition told me to

But I was busy walking toe to toe,

With my shoes grounded

in false niceties

I didn't even know that I would pay for

Because I can't speak up, that would be rude.

If I tell you off, I'm sure I might lose you

If I tell you, then you'd know

And I can't reverse that

I might say it wrong, I should just rehearse that

Just one more time

Before I'm prepared,

Imagining telling off wide empty air

Cause I can't stand there

Looking you in the eyes and just SAY IT--

I might say something I'll just regret

When the biggest mistakes

that I've ever made

Were simply just holding my "peace"...

So, I blamed you

Never mind the times you never left me,

Sitting beside me and watching the process

Never mind the times you heard my cries

When no one was left and I've shed the disguise

When I cast off my mask of "I'm actually fine"

Because it's too heavy and no one is watching

Never mind how you made space

In the solace of the shade

The dark of my room,

felt the shreds of my rage

Held my hand,

shaking out loud on the stage,

Kept me company

every time I've been betrayed

And for what?

To observe, without question?

You've been a blessing,

The stillness of heavens

That I couldn't realize

til you brought me here

Now I see the purpose

Through the lens of this healing--

And I just want to thank you

For holding me dear

Sincerely,

One Frayed Soul