Dear J

Thirteen years.

Thirteen years since we last spoke.

Thirteen years since we've last shared a thought;

since we've last shared a secret.

Thirteen years.

Wow.

Just, wow.

How has it already been that long, J?

How has it already been over a decade

since we've last talked?

Since you've last thought of me.

How?

I've thought of you.

Oh boy, have I thought about you J.

You were my first love;

my very first love.

I can't stand that you were what you were,

but it is what it is.

You were my first love.

That spot had been reserved for you, J.

It's always going to be reserved for you.

I miss you, J.

I miss you so much,

but...

but I also hate you.

So, so much J.

I hate that you were my first.

I hate that you took that from me.

J, I was eleven.

I needed more time.

I had more growing up to do, J.

I hadn't even learned how to fully love my own self

before you came swooping in to rescue me, J.

But...

the past is the past.

you were the first, J.

The first love.

The first boy.

The first mistake.

That spot has been reserved for you, J.

Forever,

I'll remember you as the boy who destroyed me.

Forever,

I'll remember you as the boy who took advantage.

Forever,

I'll remember you as the one who taught me what not to do.

And for that, J,

I thank you.