Dear Depression & Anxiety

I Wake Up

Intense In A Puddle Of Sweat

I Have Nightmares & I Get Back Into Bed

It's Like These Voices Just Keep Playing On Repeat In My Head

& I Can't Get Them To Leave Me Alone

25 Years Old But Still Afraid Of The Dark & Hates Being Alone

Because That's When I Start To Slip Back Into That Bad Place & The Depression Gets Worse

Opening Up Like This Is A Moment Far From My Proudest

But My Demons Keep Pressing Me I Swear They're The Foulest

But I've Gotten Used To Their Presence My Conscious Is Callous

My Dreams Are Their Playground & My Thoughts Are Their Home

I Try To Evict Them But They Always Return Hurting Me Even More

Depression & Anxiety Isn't Just Some Items That You Can Return To The Store

I Was Only 7 The First Time I Suffered From Depression & Anxiety

Started To Cutting Through My Skin Hoping That Death Would Come After That

& I Didn't Tell Anyone Because I Was So Scared Of What They'll Do, Think & Say

Because I Know Deep Down There Is Nothing That Can Be Done To Take It Away

It's My Fight To Fight & My Battle To Face

I Remember That House I Grew Up In In Our Community & How Those Demons Would Creep All Over That Place

I'd Lay Awake At Night Just Staring At The Ceiling

I've Spent My Whole Life Trying To Run Away From This Feeling

This Feeling Of Me Being Lonely,

This Feeling Of Me Being Lost,

This Feeling Of Being Scared & Hopeless When The Lights Are Turned Off,

This Feeling Of Me Being Depressed,

This Feeling Of Me Being Anxious,

This Feeling Of Me Screaming To God Begging Him To Take Me

When I Only Get Silence In Return

I'd Lay In My Bed Crying & Tossing & Turning

& I Toss & I Turn All The Way Up Until This Is Day

The Doctors Just Give Me Medication & Everyone Else Just Tells Me To Pray

I Tried Both & This Depression & Anxiety Still Doesn't Go Away

So Forgive Me If I Speak & Think Of Being Gone Today

I'm An Actress Whose Gotten Really Good At Acting Like I'm Fine Every Day

But When I'm At Home I Go Right Back Into The Shadows

I'm In The Deep End Now But I Started In The Shallows

& I Might Just Drown Myself In This Ocean Of Depression & Anxiety Waves

My Life Is Hell & My My Heart & Mind Is In A Grave

With Me Every Day It's Something But I Won't Admit It Because I'm Too Afraid

& To Everyone That Looks Up To Me & Depends On Me,

To Them I Don't Know What To Say

Because If I Be Honest With Them Then They Won't Think Highly Of Me

Everything They Want Me To Be Is What I'm Dying To Be

But Everything I Really Am Is What I'm Not Trying Or Want To Be

I Just Want To Feel Like I'm Not Alone In My Struggles

I Wake Up In Tears & Go Back To Sleep In Those Puddles

& I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Out Of This Cold Dark Hole I'm In

Terrified That All Along God Never Intended To Help Me To Begin

& When It's All Done It'll Be Catastrophic

My Life Is A Lost Cause & People Keep Looking & Judging The Pictures & Not Reading It All The Way Through

Because Everything People Think & Say That I Am Is Far From The Truth

I Wish I Could Open Up To You All & Just Let Loose

But My Vocal Cords Get Tight & My Tongue Gets Numb When The Devil Forces My Lips Close

So I Just Go Back To Keeping Everything Bottled Up Inside

But He's Not Gonna Keep Me From Speaking Out This Time

He's Not Gonna Keep Me Trapped Like This

I Can't Even Get Out Of Bed,

I Was Never Made To Act Like This

I'm Taking My Life Back & I Won't Let Him Stop Me From Bouncing Back To Myself Like This

I'm Not Gonna Be A Slave Or A Puppet To These Voices Of Depression & Anxiety

I'm Throwing The Devil Back Down For All The Times That He Lied To Me

& I'm Taking A Beating To The Demons That Whispered Despair In My Ear

& I'm Ignoring All The Haters Who Judge & Stare When I'm Near

I'm Moving Forward Out Of This Slump

I Took My Bruises, I Took My Lumps

I Fell Down But Now I'm Back Up

So Give Me My Crown & Sit Me On My Thrown Because I'm Not Letting Up

I'm Killing The Devil With His Own Fire & Drowning These Demons In Gasoline

Look At Me Now,

Now You're Afraid Of Me

Now You're The One Who's Being Tortured & Played

Now You're The One Sitting Behind Every Closed Door That I Walked Through

Now You're The One Getting Burned To The Ground

I'm The One Who Gets To Walk Away

I'm The One Running Things Now

I'm Making My Own Moves

I'm Never Turning Back & I'm Standing On It Too

& Every Time You Try To Come Back & Ruin My Life I'll Be Ready & Stopping You Too

You Took 25 Years Of My Life & I Can't Get That Back

You Told Me To End My Life & I Almost Got Killed For That

You Pulled Me Down But I Bounced Right Back

I Was Lost But Now I Got Found Just Like That

& Everything You Told Me I Wasn't

I Proved You Wrong & Showed That I Was

& Everything You Hated In Me I Learned To Love

& When You Tried To Kill Me With Depression & Anxiety

I Reached Into My Soul & Put Back Hope Deep Inside Me

So I'm Done Listening To You & Letting You Control Me

I'm Announcing It & Shouting It Out Letting It Be Known That The Devil & His Demons Can't Hold Me

I'm Walking Away From The Old Me

I'm Demanding A Refund On The Life That You Stole From Me & The Lies That You Sold Me

You Was Afraid That I'd Find My Way Out Sooner Or Later

& I Found My Escape In The Form Of An Angel