Crete.

Maybe the day I made space in my heart to let you in. I just didn't know it yet.

I walked into the waves with reluctance, using my usual excuse, my fear of the cold.

I glanced for reassurance from the warmer coloured sand than the cold blue sea.

I saw a lady older than me, sitting on the beach with her legs outstretched. Her head held back, leaning back on her arms, eyes closed as the waves came towards her.

She let the water come and go. I admired how brave she was and she seemed at peace.

I smiled longingly, she gave me hope and I wished I could be like her. I trusted her so I took a deep breath and stepped in.

I wanted her to tell me her secrets and everything she knew, how she got there and who she was.

Because I've always, always wanted to know everything.

But I knew I could only do this alone, or I would only ever need someone to hold my hand forever.

I took my strategic path to the sea, pushing myself awkwardly to my waist. Panicking inside, I quickly returned to the sand.

But my panic didn't leave when I was safe. It only became more unbearable. It rose up into my throat and I couldn’t swallow it. I panicked it would be stuck forever.

I had no choice now. I couldn't accept I had become someone who cannot let go like all the other people around me.

I could still feel her there, encouraging me to try.

I hoped she could be me in another time, one day when I remembered how to be free.

I replicated her position a few metres away, to see what it feels like if I try to be like her.

Maybe all the numbers would add and the stars line up and this was what I should have tried long before.

I wondered if she was even real, if she was even there anyway.

All the sea drops were drying quickly off my body and I realised tears were rolling down my face instead.

They were different to the light fresh drops of the sea. These were not being stolen by the sun, they were too heavy.

I struggled to breathe, I didn’t even know how to cry anymore.

It was always involuntary, an inconvenience I could brush and wipe away when my eyes were exhausted.

A mechanical flaw, a release of fluid due to an overflow of emotion.

Long deep breaths like we are told to do. To help keep the feelings beneath and give time to push them back down below where they belong.

But crying doesn't always help if you feel nothing and your tears are empty.

I can't be a girl who never lived the life she could have lived. Spent a lifetime longing for more but never knew what.

Never found the courage to let someone down or let herself be.

I felt my heart break more as I remembered that girl who could beam smiles from her eyes.

I could only smile on my face and not in my eyes anymore.

The waves came closer and higher on my body, feeling senses I would usually avoid and deny in a fear of feeling anything intense.

Or anything that would make me feel anything.

I laughed when the waves pulled away without doing harm, like they were testing me.

Each time coming further upon my body, each growing stronger, as if they were gently pushing me, in a playful and mocking way.

To show me how silly I was and my tears started to smile. Because it all translated to metaphors, like everything always does.

I was laughing now. I massaged my hands into the sands surrounding noticing how beautiful it is to be reminded of insignificance.

The force of the waves were powerful and overwhelming yet kind. They were showing me how to heal.

I was so used to my fears controlling everything inside me, but we have no control over what’s outside.

I didn't expect any of these emotions or so quickly. I had no control over those either. I guess it proved it doesn't take much to let go.

Emotions I had not felt in so long that I wasn’t sure what they even were.

The waves took each tiny fear with them one by one, my thoughts stopped racing and slowed down enough I could let my heart be heard.

Like a neglected child. Years of being hushed by the adult in my mind. Everything was in sync again.

I laughed, cried, opened my heart up and felt the loneliness inside.

Surrounded by families laughing and playing and thought maybe one of the children could have been, or maybe was me, if I hadn’t become who I am. There was still time to try again.

I let the waves wash it all away like turning pages and time did not exist like reading a good book.

I came up to my knees and stood up and sighed, smiling with my teary eyes. But they were different eyes.

The lady next to me and I shared a glance and she smiled like she knew all along. Like we had shared the same experience but in our own different times.

I came back to find you there too. And you had written a story about a girl afraid of the sea.