Once Upon a time

I only ever wanted male counsellors.

And male friends.

I only ever really wanted my father back.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find him in other people

And now that I can see how much I have transferred him onto every man I’ve ever had around me I can see

Why I turn into the little girl I used to be

When i feel like hes around

And when he loved me

And then I feel ok

But that only lasts so long, because

it ended so it will end again

And this is not reality anymore

And I hit this barrier

I feel like you're not there anymore

Maybe you are and maybe you still see me the same

Even after you left

But i feel like you didn't look at me the same after that

I wasn’t the same little girl i used to be

I was a burden and I wasn’t so small and sweet

I was bigger and sadder and

i was growing up and changing

I had to face that too

And i didnt have you to be there with me then

So when i grew up it was without the love of my life

So if i can make myself small again

Maybe you would stay

Maybe another you will always love me, if i can be that girl again

Because she is the only one in my body who can be happy

Not the bigger me that i am now

or the me when i feel sad

because when you loved me I was happy, and I wasn't happy when you left

And then I was sad and you didn't love me anymore

So who would really love me if I am so sad?