Connection Conversation

There's so much beauty in the world.

I am an amazing mind.

I feel it all weighing down on me,

From all sides, pressing into me.

This dull roar in my head,

of all the musical genius;

I feel it flowing through my veins

and making my heart swell like a balloon,

The pressure like a vice, gripping it too.

I have to remind myself to breathe,

because I don't realize I'm holding my breath.

There's this urge to be everywhere at once,

to be kissing my love everywhere at once,

with lightning dancing all around us,

and the stars in time-lapse free-fall;

and the oceans waves are breaking,

the roaring in my ears deafening,

and the sun sparkles just under the horizon.

There, now, the mountaintop's sharp chill

is pin-pricking my skin all over my body.

Every inch of me is covered in tiny icy needles,

and I inhale the blades of snowy air,

them lighting up my insides white.

Then I'm close to the hearth,

watching the fire and feeling its warmth

melt into me like chocolate chips

are melting on my chest, and it's so hot,

but I relish in it!

I have hundreds of images I want to paint

and I can't seem to get them out exactly right.

It's so frustrating and yet,

I create beauty anyway.

My hands seem to move themselves,

like I have no control anymore.

I'm pouring my heart out on the canvas,

when I squirt paint and spread it and mix it

right there on the canvas

and use a shoelace as my brush to splatter on

a pair of lips, pink lips about to brush

and then I hear him clear as if

he were standing right next to me,

"I...have to go..."

and those words, though then they were a joke,

now I look back and wonder if he unknowingly set us up.

But that's preposterous.

And yet that preposterity is hilarity and insanity

and beautiful.

The meaning behind them was all about the hilarity

and although there were only a few days since I met him,

I knew that he saw something amazing in me,

and he wanted to make me laugh, and make me smile

and make me happy...

After only a few days. That kind of beautiful simplicity

is what life is all about, it is what keeps us going,

when the complex gets in the way.

We tend to let the complex steal our simplicity,

and it's hell trying to get things back to basics.

Because once everything is complex, nothing works.

There's just too many questions.

And that's what I'm trying to do,

I'm trying to be simple.

Easy to talk to again.

But my mind is reeling with all the complexity.

If he's online, what is he doing?

Why does he ignore me, if he says nothing is wrong?

Is he lying to me? Is there someone else?

Is he fucking someone else?

Would he tell me the truth?

Will I ever be the only one he wants?

Why can't I be the only one he wants?

Why can't he just talk to me for hours like we used to?

Why can't he see the beauty in me anymore?

He knows I have good intentions.

He knows I have passion, so much so that I feel

I might explode.

I feel like I'm two persons arguing with eachother.

One is completely trusting in him,

that he is staying clean,

that he is learning from past mistakes,

that he wants to recover from anger,

that he will never subject me to danger again

that he will help me raise our children nonviolently,

that we will build a good life together and follow

agreed upon rules that keep our relationship healthy

with love and respect.

Then there's the fear...

The part of me that asks all those questions...

This part I hate...

I dispise this phase of my emotional grid.

This side of me is what makes "Me: Side A"

want to turn back time...

want to right all wrongs either of us

have ever committed against eachother...

I'm not sure which part of me asks

where has his passion gone, that abundant passion

that I fell hard in love with, like a fool.

And I know the answer.

Each and every other kiss

each and every other fuck

each and every other name

he unknowingly let them steal a piece of him.

And only time can rebuild the pieces of him

that were lost to lust.

There is so much beauty in the world

and so much beauty in him and more to be added

and I hope and pray that I can help add to it.

I hope and pray that we fall into a place

that we used to know, with eachother.

That innocent trust and honesty

we loved so much,

because those were slivers of rightness

in a chaotic tailspin that was hard

to put on the breaks to.

I hope and pray that we fall into that place,

in time, this time, where I inspired him

to write happy things:

"How can it possibly be?

Now I've become you and you've become me."

And he in turn inspired me:

"Every inch of me."

Now the stars are spinning,

and the kiss is magnetic,

Dream becomes reality,

and lightning burns the darkness away,

for fleeting moments of perfection,

our lips meeting in one moment,

our minds and hearts in the next.

Life is beautiful.

I could go on painting mental pictures for you,

but now it's time for me to sleep

and dream of my next fleeting moments of bliss.