Confronted

A friend confronted me, said I was still in love with you.

Now thinking of weddings, and your white dress and smiling

Of course there's no doubt that he was right.

-

Came across an old video, and your voice on it,

And the only thing that I could do was cry.

-

And I left you, you were right to say,

I let you down, gave our dreams away,

But not for a moment did I ever fall out of love with you,

Which is fucked up, because I betrayed and was still in love with you.

-

And I'm no good at loving me, I always undermine.

I sabotage my happiness like a man who hates my smile.

And the only place I ever wanted to be was our bed and holding you,

And I hated every distraction even while I was ignoring you.

-

But none of that means anything,

Because I could never pull it together in any way that mattered at all.

-

And all the ways and reasons, I laid those out one morning

During exercises that some hippy prescribed

-

And you, you like my cooking,

But still that's at least something.

-

The reason why I never pushed for divorce

Was because I never wanted that course,

Though I never owned the fact within myself.

-

And this is so much pointless, or anyway it's aimless,

And probably it's shameless, and certainly I'm a dick for writing it down.

-

There's a longing like for home I have — the kind for home we never have —

That only finds its purpose in my memories of you.

-

This meter is just awful, the rhyme is hit and mostly miss,

But I suppose that's appropriate for this.

-

And here I'm in Montana, and a dog is my best friend,

He's a puppy, with at least a good 12 years to go.

-

I've tried dating, met some good women willing to give me half a try,

And always feel a bit guilty there's no one to warn them off,

But they meet the real me eventually, and are wise enough to cut and run.

-

I've had a life with some successes, and folks who think I'm a good man,

But so many secret regrets I never tell.

-

The one I'd trade it all for, every praise, award, or girl for,

The only regret I can't let go or live with

Is never being the mate that you deserved.

-

And I don't think I can ever remarry.

I can't think of weddings without seeing your smile

When you'd try on your dress in the apartment before…

It still makes me happy even as it crushes me remembering your smile.

-

I think when my death finds me,

In my bed or freezing lonely,

When the void lies open, hungry,

The last torture that I will give me,

As my own heart tries to shiv me,

Will be your smile there, on our wedding day.

-

I don't know if you forgave me,

I don't know if someday you will,

But I can't find a mercy in my heart.

Because the only time it mattered

That I be a man, not a child…

But so many times I wasn't my best self.

-

In all my life, no other mistakes mattered.

No other failure, or coming up short even begins to be important.

You were the only thing that ever mattered at all.

And loving you, as bad as I ever was at it,

It was one thing I could not outrun.