Concepting Consciousness

The pain and pressure are enough to keep me here,

But the idea of what’s going to happen next...

The fear of the unknown;

I find myself slipping away.

Will I be good enough?

Will I be able to provide proficiently?

The room is full of people

But I might as well be by myself.

I can hear the machines,

Monitoring my heartbeat.

Their heartbeat.

I can hear this heartbeat loud in my ears.

The cold hands of the doctors press on my swollen stomach,

And they move inside me in search of life.

“You’re doing great,” they tell me.

I don’t feel too great.

The pain is coming in waves,

Taking me off to sea.

I’m floating in the waters of my own blood,

My hospital gown, stained, gruesomely beautiful,

Flowing fabric through this warm liquid.

“Don’t forget to breathe”.

How can I breathe when all I want to do is scream?

The water I’m floating on starts to drain,

It feels as though I’m falling through the abyss.

Pushing, and screaming, my vision is blurry.

There’s a drain at the bottom of this sea -

The water empties through it.

The closer I’m getting to my destination,

The more real this all becomes.

I don’t know if I’m ready.

How am I supposed to fit through?

The lights in the hospital room are blinding,

And a ring of fire is moving through my lower half.

For the first time, I reach out and grab your hand,

Remembering where I am.

I close my eyes and feel your energy move through me,

Giving me the strength I need to finish the task.

I push through,

A baby cries,

And suddenly, I’m not drowning anymore.

___________________________________________

I've decided to look back at my old work to see how I've grown as a writer over the years. I wrote this poem in 2018 for a poetry workshop and it became a part of a 10-piece collection for my final exam.

I was pregnant when I wrote this piece, and nobody in my class knew. I was keeping it a secret from everyone, and only ever ended up telling my professors during the spring semester when I was due (because I was going to be out for labor just before final exams! LOL).

I had a very difficult pregnancy and a very real fear of labor. Looking back, writing this was a way for me to talk about my fears and come out with a positive ending. It's a little bit funny to me now because my labor was much worse than I could have ever anticipated, but hey, what can you do?

When I wrote this piece, I was a 21-year-old without a clue in the world. My child is 4 now, he's smart as a tack, and his entrance into this world was much more dramatic than anything I ever could have written.

I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane with me, thank you for reading!