Closing Time

~Closing Time. 29 April 2022~

~ ~

Laying in my bed that day

My heart so heavy I felt …

I could breathe the air

But wondered how

I opened my eyes

And closed them freely

I lifted my arms

I yawned and cried

I was free to have pain

I could walk away if I want

But I was cemented

In my bed

I could not leave

I could not sway

The bubble in my throat

That held lead in my chest

The counting

The time goes on

My phone dings

More updates the same

I could be mad at death

But I’m just waiting

I don’t have time

Faith says to believe

Can’t possibly take a light so bright

Surely they are mistaken

I am resting comfortably

It’s the middle of the day

The curtains are closed

I have hope

But I know I need a soft landing

For hope is rarely kind

I know my voice is there

We sent our voices through the phone

His girl is playing them

On repeat

As he almost doesn’t take a breath

Delirium can be kind

Our voices shall bring him our faces

She tells me he smiles

Our voice brings him comfort

I wish I was there

Perhaps my holding his hand

Could give him more breaths

I could fill him with hope

Breath life into those scarred lungs

His body betrayed him

He fought for so long

He fought. For so long.

He fought. I fight.

For generations will be fighting now

He knows he is needed

His head filled with his loves

His broken heart never caved

Death took pieces of him

But never gained his soul

He never took things laying down

He took the whole world to war

I’m not so brave

I’m here in comfort

I know I’ll fall

So far below in tears

My dad, my Hero

Is dieing today

His breaths grow shallow

He smiles

He stops.

My phone now rings.

My hope is dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m reminded today, of the immense feelings I had on this day. The day my father died. It took 3 days for his body to finally take him home. They told me it would be hours after they gave him the medicines, but his fighting spirit had him climbing the walls and telling death to fuck off for 3 whole days.

We sent voice messages of his kids and grandkids and his girlfriend played them for him as he finally layed down to rest just for a moment. She saw him smile in his delirium at the voices. She reached to her phone to message me about the smile and then suddenly she rang me and devastatingly cried into the phone that he tricked her and she missed it. She said that he smiled and she turned her head, and he left while she was not looking. One turn of her head and he shattered her heart. He stopped breathing in that moment of smiling delirium imaging all his grandkids around him telling him they love him and my voice saying

“It’s ok Dad, I promise I’ll be alright. We love you and it’s ok.”

But I was at home, with my heart in my bed, unable to fly there and be with him due to covid rules, so I was wrapped up in my dark comforting room so I wouldn’t fall somewhere hard when my world came down around me.