Chasing

It was better when I had my head shoved out a window

Nightmaring casually about glass shifting into a guillotine.

It was better when there was tobacco in my teeth

And so much caffeine in my blood my heart beat

To a different tune, a rhythm of want and possibility.

.

It was better when the sky was close enough to touch,

Low and hot like a summer dream waiting to burst.

It was better when I thought if I ran, you would be there

To chase me, hunt me, laugh in between the raindrops

And at the end of the storm, catch me in rays of red.

.

It was better when I planned out the spontaneity,

Ran out of my house like a plague, unable to be contained,

And took to the streets with fries in the passenger seat

Bracketed by thin legs, jean-covered legs, your legs,

Knowing caffeine and salt would get me through the night.

.

It was better when my madness made the world complex,

When up looked the same as down and life looked like death.

Now everything is clear-cut and cold, black and white.

It's a yes or no and I've killed maybe with my own hands.

The world is empty and I am full, bloated like a pig.

.

It was better when I could pretend that there was a future,

When the violence and despair were a fluke and not a feature.

It was better when I could drive far away, lost to the music,

And look over to my best shadow and dream that this pain

Was just a rogue circus moving through, coming and going.

.

It was better when I was chasing dreams like storms,

Recklessly and often with the kind of wild abandon that only

A lack of knowing can feed and encourage and nurture.

It was better before I knew better but knowledge can't vanish

Once it's swallowed and I've gone and poisoned myself.