breathe

sometimes

i would sit

in the dark

consumed in my thoughts

my fears of what i would do

if you left me

when we were both

in college

all grown

on opposite sides of the country

long gone

and i wondered

what would i do?

how could i survive without you?

and yet

at the same time i wondered

what would you do

if i

left you?

my mind tells me to go

that you wouldn’t care if i

up and vanished

that never again seeing my name

lighting up the screen of your phone

incessant

would be a relief

but it’s just the anxiety

the imposter syndrome

right?

wrong

a self fulfilling prophecy

and i try to bend

to breathe because

it’s all in my head

and it should stay there

so i try to keep it inside

but not

i guess

enough

because

i am as too-much for you as you

are not enough for me

you say that i

am suffocating

never enough room to breathe

but i

can’t breathe

without your ever-waning interest

in me

i have to beg

for attention

affection

always the first to text

and the last message

left hanging

you say you give me

to much

walking on eggshells

so why do i feel

like what you give is not

enough

for me?

the eggshells you leave

feel sharper

and if this

is how we both feel

then why are we still here?

and i could call you names

so cold

unyielding

manipulating my weaknesses

you know exactly where

it hurts

you bitch

how you ruined me

and made me yours

but why should i

how can i

be angry?

when i hurt you just as much

as you hurt me

and i thank you

for being brave enough

to go

i thought

that i would die

without you

but now

i stand

i breathe

i don’t stare at my phone all alone

in my room

waiting for you

i am free

i hope that you’re free too