Break my Own Heart

So yeah, I'm scared…

Afraid that you might be

The love of my life

But I will never

Never

Never

Be yours,

Because you already have

Each

Other

And

As soon as you

No longer need me

You'll leave

Me behind,

And I'll be alone

(Just like I've always

Known)

And this open self

I've begun to become

Will close again

(very subtly, very quietly,

but still

as final as Death).

I see the way

You look at

Her

And I see Everything.

She is your

First thought

In the morning,

While I reach for you

(knowing you're not there).

And I see her

Look away

And my heart

Twists…

How could she?

***

I can feel myself

Hitting that wall

Of fear

Of pulling away

Of ‘too good to be true’

(for me, at least).

I diminish my feelings

And value

While I assume

You're getting ready

To drop me.

I can't get in

Too deep, and so I'll leave

So you can't have the chance

To hurt me

(or know me).

I have always

Always

Always

Been the one to leave

Before I can be

Abandoned again.

I know I love you,

And you show

In a million different ways

That you care;

So why do I

Feel like it's all

One great big trick?

I'm just a joke,

And you're laughing at

Me

(even though I know

you would never,

really).

***

No, but how could

Anyone really want

Someone like me?

Let alone

Someone so incredible,

So extraordinary,

While I am so far

From perfect–

A silly, strange,

Broken little being,

And you…

You are more

Than I could have

Ever hoped for:

Brilliant, beautiful,

strong but soft, kind…

And I am waiting for

That other shoe

To

Drop

Because it

Always does,

It always does,

It always does,

And I am trying not

To be the one

Who fucking throws it

This time…

(ever the fatal

self-saboteur).

I'm picking apart

The reasons

To be brave,

To feel the fear

And do it anyway

While working through

Traumas that have

Torn me apart for years,

And I realize why

It's better to stay,

I am finally aware,

But I am also

so

god

damn

scared.