Beat Beat Beat Tap Tap Tap

My heart beats through my thick sweater.

Beat Beat Beat

Tap Tap Tap

I don’t want to feel it. That’s why I chose a thick sweater.

I were two watches on my wrist because I didn’t find a bangle or bracelet wide enough.

I don’t want to feel it.

That

Beat, Beat, Beat

Tap, tap, tap

So firm and sure that it belongs in there.

If I were brave enough, I would do what Tracy does, but I can’t for the weak life of mine look a blade in the eye, or for heaven’s sake graze it across my wrists. Mom makes fun that I can’t even cut vegetables because my hands shake so bad. If she’d know it saves me from so much trouble she wouldn’t mock me like that.

I look at the towering trees, straight at the crusty barks, shedding like old peels of paint. My room looks like that and if I’d cut my heart open, I’m sure it would look like that too.

A wind slaps through it. The tree reels in shock and its head nearly snaps off. A rush of withered leaves breaks off and collapses at me feet in a defeated heap.

The tree slowly rises back up, it’s head half shorn.

It reminds me of Tracy.

My shoulder blades tighten in the thick knitted sweater, hoping to eke out a little more warmth.

I’m crazy for being out in this weather.

I’m crazy. Period.

But what’s if the only thing that makes me forget

That

Beat Beat Beat

Tap, tap, tap

Is the hideous character of the winds through trees and rain through the streets?

And reminds me of Tracy.

Brave

Brave

Tracy.