Alone is Safety

I can only feel real when I'm alone.

I am only here once everyone has gone.

And they do

leave.

Very few can see me through

these

masks and shields and swords and wars.

I haven't seen my choice in years,

to be here

with you.

My mind took over before I can remember.

I stopped believing in choice

I'm blind.

It's impossible to see when the lies are my eyes

and I wouldn't be surprised to find myself waking up in

someone else's skin,

in a place I've never been.

I'm sure your skin would feel more like home to me.

Everything feels fake -

Every move I make.

And anything close to true

Anything that tastes like me leaves me frozen

when I

show

you.

Doesn't matter how I say it

word it

prove it

play it

I could learn a dozen languages

and for hours paint and dance and sing to show you me

And still I wouldn't feel seen.

The Black sheep.

Being misunderstood dies hard.

I hide.

Its not worth it.

Because if you don't recognize me when I tell you who I am then maybe I'll really be

gone.

At least behind these walls and illusions

I can say

you never knew me

When you leave

I can say I never let you see me

like I had a choice.

My life can be summed up in

yearning.

All I've ever done is wanted and wanted,

like I've never been given anything.

Yet with all I have been given I have taken even more.

Must.

Soothe.

Emptiness.

And in all of this looking for you to find

me

There has never been anything that you could do to show me

that you might know me.

Not while I'm locked in this prison of loneliness.

I say that and treat you like you all keep me in here but

you couldn't free me if you tried

And you have.

You have, but I'm blind.

My eyes.

I won't look at you

and if I need to

I'll harden up so my walls are shut: bullet proof.

I leave you while I believe

its you that leaves me.

I cry out loud in martyr sound

painting blame when

in truth

its me leaving me.

Betrayal.

I don't let anyone in

and I play it safe

its just me betraying me.

Safe.

I'll hurt me first

I'll hurt me worse.

this game isn't hopeless

its safe!

this aloneness

empty

soulless.

I choose this says

my mind -

the ever-spinning

never ending stream of questions, nagging thoughts

ceaseless

harassing

devouring hope and illuminating flaw.

This violent train of thought that leaves no stone unturned

tells me

I choose this!

I don't want to be seen.

Don't look at me!

A small child screams.

It's me.

Buried under years of rubble...

pure, innocent soul...

who has believed all the lies that have been told.

hide yourself.

these ruins are your home.

An abandoned mine shaft, collapsed long ago

Covered over by soot and old bones

Each layer of secrets a protection from light

Don't ask for help, dont look for hope, keep digging.

You have to do this on your own.

I choose this,

the small child says

No one will find me

I'll get out this way if I keep digging down.

Locked in by a mind

strong web of lies

deception

discolored ruthless perception

thoughts that try to hide the root of the pain

so sly...

they whisper

the pain comes from outside..

so, hide.

Stop letting pain in!

Fix it!

Here, take this..

Feel the numb start to soothe..

Don't ask questions.

Especially don't ask

If guns can't shoot guns

If a door can't slam itself

Why do I believe that a soul can destroy itself?

No, a body can't kill itself

but this sickness can lead the mind to finally

end it.

And the air goes silent.

Quiet,

like the killer thats been ever present

through substance

poisons

or dry, through neglect.

Sly.

Secret.

It grows in the dark.

False hope-

maybe this time, I'll get enough.

Maybe I can keep the peace that feels touch for a second

before walls slam down.

The peace that knows touch..

Like a seed sprouting in ashes

this life thats never left me

this strength that holds on

that allows me to be held

Fear that has kept me locked in

Fear disguised as stealth

fear thats looked like wisdom

like genius

protection

like bravery

like justice

fear.

My heart creaks in the light

fear starts to shrivel up.