Alone is Safety
Freedom through dissociation.
I can only feel real when I'm alone.
I am only here once everyone has gone.
And they do
Very few can see me through
masks and shields and swords and wars.
I haven't seen my choice in years,
to be here
My mind took over before I can remember.
I stopped believing in choice
It's impossible to see when the lies are my eyes
and I wouldn't be surprised to find myself waking up in
someone else's skin,
in a place I've never been.
I'm sure your skin would feel more like home to me.
Everything feels fake -
Every move I make.
And anything close to true
Anything that tastes like me leaves me frozen
Doesn't matter how I say it
I could learn a dozen languages
and for hours paint and dance and sing to show you me
And still I wouldn't feel seen.
The Black sheep.
Being misunderstood dies hard.
Its not worth it.
Because if you don't recognize me when I tell you who I am then maybe I'll really be
At least behind these walls and illusions
I can say
you never knew me
When you leave
I can say I never let you see me
like I had a choice.
My life can be summed up in
All I've ever done is wanted and wanted,
like I've never been given anything.
Yet with all I have been given I have taken even more.
And in all of this looking for you to find
There has never been anything that you could do to show me
that you might know me.
Not while I'm locked in this prison of loneliness.
I say that and treat you like you all keep me in here but
you couldn't free me if you tried
And you have.
You have, but I'm blind.
I won't look at you
and if I need to
I'll harden up so my walls are shut: bullet proof.
I leave you while I believe
its you that leaves me.
I cry out loud in martyr sound
painting blame when
its me leaving me.
I don't let anyone in
and I play it safe
its just me betraying me.
I'll hurt me first
I'll hurt me worse.
this game isn't hopeless
I choose this says
my mind -
never ending stream of questions, nagging thoughts
devouring hope and illuminating flaw.
This violent train of thought that leaves no stone unturned
I choose this!
I don't want to be seen.
Don't look at me!
A small child screams.
Buried under years of rubble...
pure, innocent soul...
who has believed all the lies that have been told.
these ruins are your home.
An abandoned mine shaft, collapsed long ago
Covered over by soot and old bones
Each layer of secrets a protection from light
Don't ask for help, dont look for hope, keep digging.
You have to do this on your own.
I choose this,
the small child says
No one will find me
I'll get out this way if I keep digging down.
Locked in by a mind
strong web of lies
discolored ruthless perception
thoughts that try to hide the root of the pain
the pain comes from outside..
Stop letting pain in!
Here, take this..
Feel the numb start to soothe..
Don't ask questions.
Especially don't ask
If guns can't shoot guns
If a door can't slam itself
Why do I believe that a soul can destroy itself?
No, a body can't kill itself
but this sickness can lead the mind to finally
And the air goes silent.
like the killer thats been ever present
or dry, through neglect.
It grows in the dark.
maybe this time, I'll get enough.
Maybe I can keep the peace that feels touch for a second
before walls slam down.
The peace that knows touch..
Like a seed sprouting in ashes
this life thats never left me
this strength that holds on
that allows me to be held
Fear that has kept me locked in
Fear disguised as stealth
fear thats looked like wisdom
My heart creaks in the light
fear starts to shrivel up.