after work dinners

i was driving through town

on my way to pick him up

finally out of work

my feet were throbbing

reminding me why i needed new shoes

the roads were still glossy from their showers that morning,

as i sang along to the new Taylor Swift song

even though i hated it-

even though i wanted to change the station

while stopped at a red light

i noticed a man sitting at the bus stop

his clothes soaked in places they shouldn’t have been

my mind wondered if he’d eaten

i settled on yes so that i felt less guilty

when i failed to notice the green light

the person behind me violently honked their horn

i say violently because i almost felt threatened

i say almost because i drove slowly as a form of revenge

i passed the local church and the park we loved going to

i passed his ex’s house and thought about the way things ended

my heart started to beat a little faster

as i realized his house was almost in view

i passed the cemetery

full of people i never knew

my great-grandmother and sister Sarah, included

i began to wonder if she would have been a better daughter than me

a nauseating feeling settles over me

as i realized the new car smell had returned

i sprayed the car with my perfume

as well as my own body

with his apartment complex in sight

i decided to take the back entrance

as i sat in the parking lot

i hoped she wouldn’t see me

and by “she” i mean one of his many exes

i put on a newly created playlist in an attempt to distract myself

it worked so well that i jumped when he knocked on the window

after unlocking his door

i waited for him to get settled before asking where to eat

several terrible suggestions later, we decided on Whataburger

again

as i drove, we talked about his friends

specifically how he wanted to start seeing them more

as i drove, he searched for stories i hadn’t heard before

about his life

the world around me

sometimes even, myself

when he would tell me a story i’d heard before, i still listened

after 20 minutes of driving, my eyes began to itch

i fought back sneezes

tried my best to ignore my scratchy throat

as the cat hair on his shirt attacked my immune system

we arrived at our destination

took our time to gather our belongings and go inside

when we placed our order, it was the same as always

$13.96 was our total and i paid while he got the drinks

we sat in the same booth as usual

used our cups to prop up my phone

he played me a video of a father and son making mozzarella

i watched even though i’d already seen it earlier that week

our food arrived quickly but it still took us two hours to eat

maybe we laughed too much

other people glared as i threw a fry at him

he raised an eyebrow before throwing one back

when we decided to leave, our stomachs were hurting from the laughter

it was too soon to call it a night

Target was still open so we decided to walk around for a bit

we talked about the time we played hide and seek

at 3 am in the middle of a Walmart with friends

how he had to hold my keychain so that i didn’t give away our location

we discussed our futures and pretended to go christmas tree shopping

my frozen fingers were met by the warmth of his

when we decided to head home, we fell silent

lights were blurred and i thought about kissing him

John Mayer’s “Gravity” started playing on the radio

i could hear his voice as he was humming to the music

i missed the turn onto his street so i’d have to take the long way

he didn’t notice and i was thankful for it

i wanted more time

i parked in the usual spot and turned off the lights

he gathered his stuff slowly and said he had fun

both of us exit the vehicle but i did not close my door

he walked around to my side of the car and pulls me in

we stood in each other’s arms until he decided to let go

i watched as he walked away

diappointed that it was just an after work dinner

with a friend that would always mean more to me