Afraid of Fear

On a windy day I sat at the beach, sand slapping my face,

The salt I could easily taste.

My heart is breaking, and my reality is just out of reach.

I had goals, and I had dreams that I worked so hard to achieve.

Yet still I struggle with what I could have become, instead of where I stand.

Everything is spinning out of control and I am too afraid to land.

I was told to keep on pushing through, to always wipe my tears.

That we all experience doubt and disbelief, but you still have to push through your fears.

FEAR…….

I wrote every one of my fears into the sand, and watched the ocean wash them away.

I wish it was really that easy, that fear just disappeared with the tide each day.

It is not sharing my life with you that I am afraid of, I was totally committed the moment I saw you.

It is handing over my hopes, my dreams, every single piece of me, and standing back to see what you will do.

There is always that fear of telling you everything inside me, because I am afraid it is too ugly to hear.

That is what it all boils down to:

I guess I am afraid of FEAR

I fear the things I do not understand, I fear the feelings I have never felt.

But my biggest fear of all is of the unknown, and what cards I will be dealt.

My biggest hope is that there is so much more to life, so much more than all of this pain.

I find myself spinning in circles, silently hoping your feeling the same.

HOPE…

It is what I struggle with each day, it is the role that I try to downplay.

A huge source of conflict within myself, that I would rather forget and put up on a shelf.

Is it because I think I deserve the least that I won’t let my heart have no peace?

I need to get myself back from when everything went wrong, I know I have it in me and I have all along.

It is what I look for when everything is falling apart, a little bit of strength and a whole lot of heart.

A version of me that I forgot had existed, the one for so long I fought and resisted.

It is that tiny voice I keep hearing from way down inside, reminding me to keep going and not give up without a fight.

If ever there was anything that I have been most hopeful for, it is that I won’t have to be afraid of FEAR anymore…