Afraid of being full

it was the year of pretending to be happy & starving ourselves

we knocked back pills you can’t find on the shelves

toasting to depression & survival

glasses of water mixed with vodka, like it’s vital

experimenting with diets we found on the internet

eating in front of the mirror & menthol cigarettes

replacing meals with other practical hobbies

anything to take our mind off of our bodies

wondering why i hadn't had my period in months

or why breakfast tastes like giving up

crying into an empty bowl like a junkie

because i only feel pretty when i am hungry

as a child fat was the first word people used to describe me

which i didn’t think was offensive, until i was told it was meant to be

if you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you go to the hospital.

if you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story.

so when i evaporated, of course everyone congratulated me on getting healthy

constantly being asked, how did you do it? tell me

how could i not fall in love with my illness?

asking my younger self for forgiveness

my happiness replaced with feeling dull

not obsessed with being empty but afraid of being full