Advice

Perhaps I'm just feeling extra alone.

Just leave me to shatter my skull,

and release the many thoughts consuming me whole.

Wring my neck, slit my wrists, let this be a reminder.

Scream until my voice curdles away, and

my ears bleed and all my air has done left me

--Depleted.

A whore for attention.

Not even in the raunchy sense.

To anyone really who can remember

my name and the way it's spelled.

Or to the person who realizes I missed class,

or the person that smiles back when

I play a game of “Smile at Strangers” to

try and make someone's day.

No I'm not suicidal, I promise.

That's too selfish.

But some days it's harder than others to remind myself that.

Because some days it feels like no one is there to care,

no one is there to feel heart broken, or find themselves losing air.

Feeling depleted of air, like I do nearly everyday

from simply being given a blank stare.

I'm over this game of wait.

You've got to hit low before you soar high.

Well I have been hitting low,

hitting her hard like she owes me something.

And then crying with her when I realize we both are victims

and I bet neither of us want to be this way. But we are.

What I learned I can't do is hope someone will show me happy.

Nor can I wish to be her.

I can however keep playing my games,

smile at strangers, answer questions when asked,

laugh when it counts, make eye contact,

cry with someone when they meet me and my friend Low,

because you know maybe that's all anyone needs, that way they can meet

Happy.

And she can tell them her secrets.

Hug them in a cloud of temperate feelings,

echo in them the reasons they made it to where she is.

That way they know incase they ever do happen to fall,

that they did achieve meeting Happy.

Being happy.

And they’ll have their moments with her

& those moments are where they will realize they have found

themselves.

And for you, the one waiting for those moments,

the best advice I can give is to stop waiting.

Not because that’s when it hits you.

But because it will hurt less than to idly daydream about it.