A Tale of Two Energy Drinks (and 30 kidney stones)

My doctor cleared his learned throat

and rolled his pious eyes

"No more Monster for you, Dear"

I will not buy his lies!

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"That battery acid breeds the rock!

Try Bang Energy instead!"

I chug a glass of water now

to clear my buzzing head

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Two weeks of chugging pristine rain

I feel so smug and clean

until a sudden lightning bolt

unleashes Hell unseen

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A jagged microscopic fiend

is sawing through my side

I chug a glass of water now

through pain I cannot hide

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The clinic staff begins to scold

and treat me like a fool

because I want to pass the rock

without their laser tool

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"Lithotripsy is a must!"

The angry surgeons shout

I chug a glass of water now

to try and flush it out

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"No laser beam? No surgery?

Then no narcotics too!"

They lock away the pharmacy

"No medicine for you!"

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The room begins to spin and fade

I nearly lose my sight

I chug a glass of water now

to stay awake and fight

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I'm pacing like a caged raccoon

I'm crying on the floor

I've downed a swimming pool of fluid

yet they tell me to drink more

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They mock my stubborn, natural plan

while I am splitting wide

I chug a glass of water now

It would hurt less if I died

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A sudden, angry, heavy clang!

The porcelain takes a hit

A boulder drops! And then two more

Go *clink* *clink* where I sit!

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I cry in triumph! Pure and free!

The worst has finally passed!

I chug a glass of water now

to celebrate at last

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The doctor looks at my CT

and gives a heavy sigh

"You finally passed not one, but three

yet more are sitting high...

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An avalanche is waiting there

"There's twenty seven more!"

I chug a glass of water now

and collapse upon the floor

💦