A Roast to Thomas Jefferson

Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glass to Thomas Jefferson.

A brilliant writer. An incredible introvert.

A man so committed to avoiding people that he literally helped start a country because the government wouldn’t stop telling him what to do with his property.

The man that lives on hundreds of acres and has been an example of socially distancing.

You wrote, “All men are created equal,” while owning slaves.

Not because you think less of Black people.

Quite the opposite. You want to be Black.

You write poetry, play the violin, and dress like Prince.

Your words and melodies summon an image of Eminem in a powdered wig.

We are confident that you will squash your beef with GW and Hamilton.

We raise our glasses to you, Wigger of Williamsburg.

I stand before you today alongside your Monticello mulattos on the anniversary of your other greatest achievement and we salute you!