A Note from God

“To begin with,

Suicide’s not an easy one to dictate

As you vessel my words.

The vibration exists!

It has to, period.

Perhaps as an etheric absolute

Even though I wished for us that it wasn’t

How I dearly wish that it wasn’t

If none other than to hold perfect space

In stillness

So that you or yet another wouldn’t need to believe in brokenness

Erased in permanence

An exit by choice

Even though it hardly never feels like one

I’ve failed you

With nothing better for you

To gift but free will

Through your perceived existence.

You wanted to go home

I gave you the human experience

With time as our witness,

How we could never be separate!"

***

Author's Note:

My past isn't an easy one to dish out, so to speak. Not in the sense that it pains me, as I believe its suffering to have transmuted, but rather, from a protective mindset of not wanting to imprint a "dark seed" onto others. Or so, that's the story I once told myself. What have I learned and overcome since then? Tremendous pain and suffering. No matter which story I'd spun myself in, at its core, my cocoon was made of hell. My past was a story of shame. Paradoxically, there are no words to paint a suicide attempt. It happened as a reflection of this pain and suffering. I hated myself for being alive, it was that simple. Despair isn't usually spun from just one web, and in hindsight, it wasn't.

This is the power and impact of spiritual trauma and the connection that courses through our veins. I felt it all as mine, as ours, living out of my body and for good reason. I couldn't discern myself from others anymore. I was caught in a self-perpetuating loop of not wanting to feel, therefore, living out of my body, which ironically meant a stronger connection to collective pain and suffering. So I ask myself again, "What have I learned since then?"

I learned that we storify our lives to give them meaning. In a way, the Divine is itself a great storyteller. Time is our greatest illusion of movement, so through my looking glass it holds the key to stillness. I say this only to express the paradox of presence as the experience of omnipresence.

Now this concept holds fluidity in itself, and as a parallel, presence spins story as poetry. What does that mean? It's commonly said that storification entails solidification. However, how often do we give ourselves permission to drop the story in order to feel our poetic presence instead?

It's my belief that we're so removed from authentic connections with ourselves and others that we use stories as a form of bondage.

I also learned that in their most natural state, feelings have movement and fluidity. My impression is that the so-called void, quantum field of reality, unknown, God, or whatever you want to call it, is in fact a field of energy in motion. And just like water, or air, as a medium, we swim and express ourselves through that field. Everyday the winds of energy in motion pass through us whether we attach ourselves via storyfication or let them pass over us. We are not our feelings, stories, but we are gifted with the experience nonetheless as we honour their need to be expressed, transmuted.

I learned that freedom comes through meditation. Its meaning, to become familiar. How familiar are you with your inner world, feelings, thoughts, and actions? What is your current form of self-expression? Erykah Badu, the singer, wrote such a great song, "Bag Lady", as she notes:

Bag lady you gon' hurt your back

Draggin' all 'em bags like that

I guess nobody ever told you

All you must hold on to

Is you, is you, is you

Through this analogy, letting go of our stories is similar to dropping the bags that we're carrying in our body.

Becoming consciously aware, familiar, and letting go is the path to freedom. So I dropped my bags, motion took place, and healing came to visit.

And so I write from a place of inspiration, growth, and expansion. These themes can no longer be classified as "taboo" or brushed under a rug simply because they might make a few people uncomfortable. To that I say, Good! Let's live a little! In today's day and age, given what's going on in the world, there's a need for more than what we're used to.