A moment to reflect...

Almost 6 years ago I took the plunge in to the great unknown leaving everything I knew behind. I packed up a suitcase, subleased my Miami studio and left for NYC. I had no job planned other than my intention to work with a set design company, 11th street workshop, a company I had worked with six months before my journey embarked. I found a place to live, paid two months worth of rent, had 250$ on an EBT card and a little cash in my pocket then I was off like a prom dress.

In my life I have been, up until very recently, doing everything I could to prove that I am worthy to "Make it". Lacking any self worth I did everythnig shy of selling my body to get the validation of another, or in other words to be seen as worthy. It's wild what some of us will do and put ourselves through all in the name of seeking love, a love that is waiting for us right there all along.

I started writing when I moved to New York, it started in the subway. A couple years prior was when I had my moment of deep awakening so I was already on the path of seeking liberation by the time I was writing in the subway. I have always wanted to be a story teller of somekind, even before I knew, it's always been there. Growing up lying and embellishing stories so I was seen as cool and popular to now wanting to share moments of my life and how I reflected on them and chose to make my life better. My life is no where near where I want to be, at total peace but I am making strides every day for that betterment.

Every time I got on the subway I was pulled to write, so I would pull out my trusty iphone, open notes and write 3-4 words at a time. I had a hard time in the beginning translating what I was going through spiritually. Knowing that something was happening to me, that I was changing I wanted to express it, somehow. I was really insecure about my writings becaause of how simple they were, but it's where I started and honestly where I am going back to, simplicity.

I wanted to share with a poem I wrote along this journey the last six years. I don't know when I wrote it exactly but I think it fits just nicely with the time we are in right now. I invite you to see this time as a great opportunity, as challenging as it may be with the monkey mind and all, to sit and reflect on our emotions and check in on what we are feeling during this time in our lives. With the corona virus infecting every aspect of our lives we are deeply being pulled to look at things from a different perspective.

My therapist said this today as I called her really hurt expressing how this crisis has really impacted my psyche and my being....

"Adriana this is all really heavy right now, I am in such a low vibration, it all seems to be around the root chakra, our security and comfort being deeply challenged."

She replied...

"Yup. Helplessness, fear of death, and frustration due to loss of control (threat of non survival). We are being invited to surrender and let of our illusion of seperation, of the "seperate doership". Feel it all, let it dissolve your sense of self. Thats all that can be "done" (allowed)

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It's all just a projection

Staring into the fire…

“You are worthy my dear boy”

Grandmother softly whispers.

I’ve given everything in the name of “making it”

using every opportunity I could to find my self worth

only to be left feeling worthless.

Internal creating external.

Leaving the stories with the ashes

This mustn’t keep going on!

Banana peel after banana

Defeated...

Cyclic living continued

Defeated…

“Why do I want to help everyone but the one?

Pour it all out leaving myself bone dry.

I’m in service though, highest calling, no?

Are you playing a trick on me?

Selfish isn't selfish?

Duality?

Now you are just leaving me confused.

Seeking answers...

To feel is to heal

And the child raises his hand…

“Why was I not enough the way I was?

Why didn’t you listen to me?

Why did you drug me?

Why were you so judgemental?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

Staring at the ocean she whispers..

“Your story then is no longer your story now.

Forgiveness is the root of miracles my child.

Your anger is valid...Let it out

Give it to me now and make peace.

Remember...

Abundance flows from the divine

if you can remember your truth and align.

Clear the mind of negativity and doubt

Abundance needs room to sprout.”

I sit and pray

Taking inventory of the pain

Authentic layers being exposed

Death after death I’m birthed by the sea

My hearts longing for its is truest desire

To reach one

To teach one

The fear of my authentic power

If unaware its becomes a reflection

Mirroring your truth until you see it

The only one blocking me is me

It’s time to take a look and commit

The choice is mine and starts in my mind

Flipping the emotions allowing space to feel

With love and compassion I start to heal.

Please the socials : @Justin_Hamel (ig) / @align_manifest (twitter)