A letter to my mother

Dear Mom,

I always knew how much I love you and what you mean to me.

However, only after having my own child

did I realize how much I meant to you. How much you loved me.

I always knew that you were my best friend.

We had an unbreakable bond

You knew all my favorites.

My favorite drinks, food, shows, and songs.

You knew everything about me, as you should have.

Only now do I understand.

I find myself often doing the same things you did.

Singing the same songs

and rubbing my daughters back to comfort her the same way you would me.

I can still hear you

singing in the car

holding my hand and telling me that you love me.

I still see you,

smiling at me when my daughter does

that same spark and fire in her eyes.

She is me

As I am you

But I miss you

and

I can still feel the regret

That I had been so stubborn right before you died

I hope that you forgive me…

I know you do, but I don’t

I wish you were here, so I could say I’m sorry

But I often find myself apologizing to the stars

Trying so hard to ignore the void in my heart

She is showing me the color in the world

But some days are still grey

Desolate

I feign excitement on Mother’s Day for her when all I really want is you

I resent every year that I never got to celebrate being a mother with you

My birthday is melancholy

Because no one enjoyed it as much as you

And each one I celebrate is another year without you

But I am being strong, even when I want to give up

Because only now I know, what you always knew