A Letter To My Children

I remember so well the days you were all born, I was there as you made your entrance into the world. From that point on I devoted my life to caring for you with all of the love and affection I could muster. I never asked for anything in return. The beautiful smiles on your cute little faces and your happiness was reward enough.

I remember so well the sleepless nights and your mewling and puking all over my chest. I felt so proud to wear your involuntary excretions, like badges of proof of the love that existed between us.

I remember so well happy days on the beach building castles with a spade and a bucket full of sand and the Atlantic Ocean. Then somebody came and swiped it with a well aimed foot, and we had to start all over again. Happy days.

I remember so well your first day at school. I gently scrubbed your faces and softly groomed your hair. I brushed some cotton specks off your uniform, as well as some dirt that wasn't even there. You looked like a picture to behold for all time.

I remember so well the day your mother told me she didn't love me anymore, she had met someone else, and I had to leave. Somebody had come and swiped our world with a well aimed foot, and we had to start all over again, apart. Life would never be the same.

I remember so well sitting on the front porch with you saying what you thought was a last goodbye. "I might never see you again, Daddy," you said with a tear in your eye. It broke my heart to depart, to trudge off into the distance, your softly spoken words ringing in my ears, "...never see you again..."

I remember so well being proud of your achievements as you started to make your own way in the world. You had left school education far behind and embraced a new future life of a different kind. A tear of joy ran down my face as we finally entered an exciting and entirely new space.

I remember so well sailing on the Mediterranean sea on a catamaran. The wind was in our sails as we edged up the coast and dolphins came to swim alongside of us. It felt like we had sailed away from all of the fuss of a previous life, good riddance to bad rubbish and all of that strife.

I remember so well when everything changed, I heard things you said when you thought I was out of range. "Do I really have to be with him alone?" you said to your sister, it cut like a knife, even said in a whisper.

I remember so well when you once said I was never around and tried to prove it by showing me lots of photographs where I was missing. Well, I was missing because I was the one taking the photographs. You never thought about that, did you?

And now I never hear from you, from one year end to another. It's been thirteen years since I last heard your voice, I just have to accept that it was your choice, not mine. You always did belong to your mother, I was just a bystander to the event of your birth, for whatever it was worth.

I have tried, once or twice, to contact you, it would have been nice to hear that you're doing ok. I guess in the end your fear came true, you will never see me again.

It won't be long now til I finally go, though to heavens knows where. nobody ever knows, and they don't really care. Perhaps one day, with a few moments to spare, you'll give all of this a thought, the story of your life and how it was wrought, from the sinews, the flesh, and the bone, from the heart, soul and love of a man you left all alone. Goodbye.