A is Not For Appealing

It has taken all of my courage to stand up here

And admit something that I wish wasn't actually true.

I think I have feelings for someone.

Probably not an ideal someone, but someone.

And these feelings are not completely platonic.

I hate these feelings as much as I can hate an intangible concept.

I hate them, I hate them, I hate them, I hate her.

That's a lie, I don't think I could really hate her.

But I hate how I feel because of her - though it's hardly her fault.

I hate it when I have even the slightest, smallest, faintest feelings for someone.

I hate how I can long for something as intimate as a kiss or a cuddle -

Though I'll never admit it other than right now -

But I can't long for something as intimate, something as expected, as sex.

I hate how I fear the smallest, almost non-existent possibility that she could ever like me the way I like her.

Because, just look at me.

How could someone like her fall in love with someone like me?

And even if I had higher self-esteem

And even if I could look in the mirror without the undertones of self-hatred that are always in my thoughts

And even if I believed her when she said I look nice every day

How could an allosexual, someone like her, fall in love with an asexual, someone like me?

But forget about her for now - I know I'm trying to.

If someone, anyone, were to have feelings for me, what percentage of those feelings would be sexual?

None, hopefully! Any percentage higher than zero would freak me out immensely.

If there was a day when someone told me they liked me, I could not truly appreciate it

And feel like all the girls do when their knight in shining armor sweeps them off their feet

Because I would be worrying and panicking and questioning.

Questions racing racing racing through my mind.

When do I tell her I'm asexual?

How do I bring up the fact that sex might not happen in our foreseeable future?

Why is it necessary for me to start up a conversation

And feel the need to assure her that compromise can probably be reached

After I feel we have been together long enough

After I feel comfortable enough with her

After I feel the need to share the one thing I would never share with anyone else, lest I lose her.

But why is sex the ideal something that you would never share with anyone else?

I understand that intimacy is necessary and that sex is an equivalent of intimacy in this society.

How can I not, after years and years and years of sex being shoved in my face?

But I am tired of the idea that sex is the only equivalent.

I am tired of it being shoved in my face.

I see sex being used constantly in the media to appeal to the masses

But there are people who don't find it appealing.

And I may be one of the few, but I am one, goddammit.

When I see sex constantly, I feel that I do not truly fit in the world I was forced into.

I am exposed constantly to not only sex, but worse, heterosexual sex.

Twice, people I cannot identify with are pushed in the spotlight.

Twice, I am expected to read about and watch lives that do not reflect my own.

Twice, I am erased.

My asexuality should not be ignored, because it is part of who I am.

Despite the many crippling questions that come with it

When something as simple as feelings are involved

My asexuality,

Among the many things I hate about myself,

Is something that I love about myself.