A Certain Kind of Peace

I wake up each day inside a maze of chaos

That looks like the hallways of my mind

Layered in this labyrinth of civilization

And yet, after running around for miles

Unable to find a path to freedom,

After giving every ounce of me to

Fighting, screaming, and relentlessly resisting,

All I’m left with is peace-

Not the kind of peace that ends wars or online arguments,

But the kind that reassures me everything will be okay.

Yes, it really will,

In the same way a banana

Is best eaten when it’s losing its last bit of green,

And when the brown freckles inevitably form,

Because I shopped with my stomach instead of logic,

They’re still perfect for blending into a strawberry banana smoothie.

And, even still, when the freckles flood over every bit of yellow

I can happily mash them into bread batter,

Or if time slips by and it's consumed instead by decay

I'll throw its carcass on the compost

To create something new.

It’s a peace similar to knowing,

When the clock shows 3 pm,

When the day, like my life,

Feels halfway between

Almost over and just begun,

I still have value; I am still enough,

And my productivity doesn’t have the right to change

Or influence how much I’m allowed to believe that I’m worth,

Like the way it was when I was a child-

Free to explore the universe through bookshelves

And draw fruits bowls for hours until it looked right;

It never looked quite right.

Yet, I could climb Mount Everest by sundown

And, as I stood on top of the world,

Show off my latest favorite work of art.

Maybe, if I knew then what I was experiencing,

If I could tell myself to hold tight, to never lose that feeling,

Maybe I wouldn't have stopped giving it to myself,

This gift of peace, an inner knowing,

That I did my best today,

And so did everyone else that took part.

These days I find peace in singing out of tune,

Like coloring outside the lines

Of my very own vocal chords

Morphing each stroke with rasps, cracks, and distortions

Making a new picture for each color to fit into.

It’s a peace that grows from inside my chest

Blooming into a string of notes

As I learn to fall in love with the way my voice sounds

With this peace, I take a seat,

Wherever it is in this maze I've winded myself to,

shedding all the identities that have become of me

A metamorphosis of turning

All that I’ve ever known inside and out-

Beliefs within and doubts without.

I sit within my stillness,

As the walls come crashing down

Revealing what I’ve been made of

This whole time.

I go to sleep and rise again to find

New walls have taken shape,

But with this peace I know

That no matter what I face,

Only I hold the power to define my inner landscape.