110 billion

I worry about going insane,

and have

ever since I was young,

for there are times where

the thoughts in my head

make no sense at all.

And once they start,

all I see is the color red.

I grow impulsive and punch things

or bang my head against the wall...

just to feel something,

anything,

anything at all.

The sharp pain

pulls me back to my senses,

reminding me that

the sting I feel

isn't imagined,

it's real.

The throbbing sensation

calms me down

and gives me something

to focus on instead of

feeling like I might drown

in this perpetual

manic state.

I think about the number

110 billion a lot.

I'm not quite sure why...

perhaps it's the total number

of planets in the universe

or cells in the human body?

Or maybe it's the final tally

of people who've ever lived

or microscopic grains of sand

on all the beaches of Earth?

Wherever it came from,

the sheer scale of 110 billion

makes me realize

just how much I pale

in comparison:

I am nothing but a tiny,

insignificant speck

in the history of man,

which only intensifies

the thoughts that paralyze

my already troubled head.

- 110 billion