Yard Wars: The Rise of Obi-Wan Catnobi

by Andrea Jardine 27 days ago in satire
First Place in Pet Cam ChallengeFirst Place in Pet Cam Challenge

The Bone Wars Saga

Yard Wars: The Rise of Obi-Wan Catnobi

A long time ago, thirteen seconds to be exact but to Obi-Wan Catnobi that could feel like days, and in a galaxy far, far away, which was really just across the lawn, the princess’ words roared in his head: Help me, Obi-Wan Catnobi. You’re my only hope.

Sitting regally in the yard, he watched her image fade away and felt a pang of dread. He was loyal to the princess and knew he could help her but was reluctant to get involved. He had left that life behind him many cat years ago and was enjoying his solitude. He had grown accustomed to this peaceful life and didn’t want to disturb the balance.

He was torn. Help the princess, he wondered, or bathe in the sun? It was a beautiful autumn day with fire orange and ruby red leaves dancing in the wind. He admired the tenacity of the tree. Even as it prepared for a cold battle ahead, it did so stunningly.

Obi-Wan Catnobi licked his front right paw and with a Zen-like movement, brushed it across his cheek and ear. He repeated the sequence until both sides were complete. He breathed in deeply, stretched his front paws out, and pointed his tail high in the air. Feeling a sense of calm, he traipsed through the garden to speak with his wise friend.

“Good Morning, Gnoda, I need your advice,” said Obi-Wan Catnobi.

“Advice, I shall give,” said Gnoda and leaned on his hoe.

“The princess needs my help but I don’t know if I should." Obi-Wan Catnobi glanced towards the backyard. "It could be dangerous but I fear the dark side is growing.”

“If the princess is in danger,” said Gnoda, “help, you must.” He turned his back to Obi-Wan Catnobi and delicately pulled some weeds from the soil. The earthy smell wafted up and lingered in the air.

“You’re right,” Obi-Wan Catnobi said and thanked his friend. He sauntered out of the garden and went to the side of the house.

The wind picked up and blew the rounded trash bin on to its side. As it rolled towards Obi-Wan Catnobi, he could see some of the markings; the letters R and D and the number two. Plans for some sort of dome fell out and he recognized it as the one the princess had shown him earlier.

He knew it meant that he had to face his old friend, now foe. He had tried to teach him the right ways but had failed.

Obi-Wan Catnobi walked gingerly towards the backyard fence where a shadow now loomed heavily. He sensed his enemy was near so he tried to be as quiet as possible. As he approached the wall, he saw the familiar black shape appear above.

“We meet again, at last,” said Dog Vader to his former master.

Obi-Wan Catnobi stared at his former apprentice. He stepped side-to-side in a half-circle. The darkness was always so strong in Dog Vader but Obi-Wan Catnobi thought he could help him. Their training was cut short once the fence was erected though. They were forced apart before he could show him how to harness his power. Dog Vader grew stronger every day and insisted on more and more bones. They were everywhere and in both yards.

The bones started attracting other life forms. A troop of white geese stormed the yards and started feeding off the bones, which began The Bone Wars. There was a constant barrage of honking and excrement and feathers flying wildly through the air. Obi-Wan Catnobi was able to help end those wars with carefully planned attacks and the geese fled south for a while.

Sadness overwhelmed Obi-Wan Catnobi as he looked upon his old student. “I saw the plans for the bird aviary,” he said. “The princess will never allow it to function.”

“It’s too late. It’s already complete. Soon we’ll have more and more troops of birds and I will be their master. You won’t be able to stop me then, Obi-Wan.” Dog Vader straightened his hind legs appearing even larger perched over the top of the fence.

“Perhaps, but the winter will begin soon and the birds will be scarce for now. The princess has time to find others who will help in this crusade and they’re a force to be reckoned with. You can’t win, Dog Vader.”

"We shall see, my old friend." Dog Vader jumped down from the wall and retreated to his dark dwelling. A few birds stood guard around it.

Obi-Wan Catnobi knew time was running out but he had hope. He knew the princess would be back soon and she'd bring her new friends with her. Until then, he'd wait patiently in the yard for their return.

satire
Andrea Jardine
Andrea Jardine
Read next: Calling All Wannabe Pet Owners
Andrea Jardine

IG: @andreajardinewriter / Most of us are experiencing hard times but a $1 contribution is greatly appreciated. Part of the proceeds from every tip will be donated to local charities, including libraries and animal shelters :)

See all posts by Andrea Jardine