Wet Noses

It was one moment - but to understand the moment, you must understand the thousands of moments before.

Moments that were full of darkness and cold. The days I couldn’t get out of bed, so bad that I’d beg friends to walk my pup. Days where I barely managed to feed him and certainly didn’t feed myself. Weeks where I’d cry myself to sleep as he licked the salt away and I’d pretend he was comforting me and didn’t just love the taste.

There were probably months when my breath smelt worse than his, when there was more of my hair on the sofa. There were certainly years that I didn’t worry about where he’d go if I died, and I thought about that a lot. The dying, not the leaving anyone behind. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would be ‘left behind’ when you truly believe that no one cares.

So, as the darkness swirled and the misery doubled… there were times when my dog did not get the love he deserved. He’s not a complainer though, he’s a fixer. Not getting enough attention? It’s time to enact ‘Mission: JUMP ON YOUR HEAD UNTIL YOU PET ME.’ That particular mission never failed, until it did.

See, that was the moment.

I had been too quiet for too long. I’m a bit like a child… dangerous when silent. I could hear footsteps running toward the bedroom, but I didn’t care. Easily tuning the world out as my vision started to blur. If you’ve ever made the mistake that I did, you might know what I mean when I say that the world felt like it was leaking away through my fingertips and I invited that. My goodbye was leaned up against the mirror. My belongings were packed neatly into boxes with the names of people I cared about on them. My brain was slowly sinking into the softest mattress I had ever known.

Then the footsteps became a jolt, it was time for Alfie’s favourite mission. In all the confusion, I think I pulled him off my head first, it wasn’t working. He had jumped on my head and I didn’t want to pet him or play with him. I just wanted to sleep. I felt sleep coming. I looked down at this pup and as I tried to explain that I was just going to sleep… he licked right across my face. Then, apparently realising that something was up and I wasn’t going to fall for his normal tricks, he pushed himself under my body and hid his face in my neck.

The moment.

His nose touched my neck and it was like all the colour rushed back into the world. I would leave him behind. I couldn’t pack Alfie neatly into a box and give him away to a friend. I couldn’t take him with me where I wanted to go.

His nose touched my neck and suddenly, I didn’t want to go at all. Suddenly, I wanted to stay. I wanted to be the one to feed him, walk him and, love him. No one else would know that him jumping on your head was the gentlest way he knew to ask to play. No one else would understand him. He needed me.

His nose touched my neck and I picked up my phone and made the best decision I have ever made.

When I say he saved me, I mean… he saved me.

That wet nose is more important to me than a thousand memories that I love. If I had to pick to forget everything, but remember that moment or remember everything but that moment. I know which I’d pick.