Twelve

I

“Why is everybody moving so much around me? And why I am just lying there in the middle? I want to play the same game too! But they are not calling me; they are just looking at me with the same face they do whenever I do something they don’t like and they keep touching me all over my body. I don’t like that a bit. I prefer the other face, the one they do when we are out in the fresh, running behind each other. I like that a lot.

But they keep moving and pointing to my legs, and I don’t understand why. I know that they are bigger than me and can move faster than me now, but I try my best not to stay behind, at least most of the time. Some are smaller, but I don’t see them here. Maybe they are outside. I would love to go and look for them but the last time I tried to move they placed their hands even harder over me. And it hurts a lot when they do that.

One of them – the one I don’t remember seeing before – has something in his hands, but I can't see what that could be. And this is another thing: I don't know why but I can't see clear; it's like somebody have put something in my eyes. Like the time when we were playing in the water. But in that time it was only for a moment that I lost the view of them. Now it does not want to go away. And it hurts too.

Mom is talking to him. I can tell although I don’t understand what she is saying. I can hear, but I can’t make sense of the sounds. It is a very weird feeling not being able to tell what they are saying. Are they talking about me, about what happened? Maybe they are.

I think I need to stay quiet and try not to move again. It seems that they don’t like it when I try to move. And I don’t like it either, especially because it hurts. But I want to see where the small ones are. I miss them a lot. We play together after they come back after lunch. I see all of them leaving when I wake up, and then coming back home after I am done eating, and I always greet them at the door. Sometimes I greet them outside when mom lets me go to the porch, and I make sure they can hear me from far away and recognize me over the others.

Something I don’t understand is why they leave after I wake up, although there are some times when they stay at home too. And I like those times because they spend almost all day playing with me. We go outside for a very long time, and then we come back inside and eat together. It’s funny how mom gets mad when they share their food with me, but they do it anyway. I can eat by myself quite well, but I like it a lot when they give me some of their food. They put one of those faces that I like when they do that.

But right now, mom has the same face she has when she catches us sharing our food. She is looking now to the door but she is staying in the same spot, next to me, standing in silence. Is she leaving me here, or taking me back with her? I am starting to feel panic just thinking about what she will do next.

II

I don’t think I remember the first time I saw them, and I don’t know if they remember either. I can’t tell how many times I have seen them leaving after I wake up, but I do remember one time when I went with them without mom. It was only once, but it was awesome.

The place was really big, and there were a lot of others walking around. That's what I noticed almost immediately: they all walked like them. Different than the way I walk. I saw a couple moving like me in the corner where a bigger one was helping others to cross the street but then they disappeared before I could go there too. One of the smaller ones touched me on my back, and then grabbed me by my stomach and put me in a higher place. I was not sure what I was supposed to do, so I just started saying the same things I always say when they come back home after lunch, but then another one placed two hands over my mouth. I guess they didn't want to hear me. I mean, it was not like they were coming back: they were already there with me! I stayed quiet and without moving. Then I saw the one that was helping the others coming in our direction. All of the small ones started to freak out and talk to each other in rapid succession. I couldn’t understand what they were saying, and by the look of their faces, I tough that maybe we were in the same situation we were with mom when we shared food. Not a very good situation to be in.

Mom came a few minutes later and took me with her back home. She didn't say anything to me on the way back, but I could tell that she was mad. I know the difference between good and bad, and her face was telling me that I did something that she didn't like. She opened the front door and put me in the kitchen; then she brought water and something to eat, which was weird somehow. The sun was still high – I could see it thru the window from where I was sitting down – but I was a little hungry and ate without complaints. When I was done she took me to my bed and stayed with me until I fell asleep. I was really tired after that adventure! I was thinking already about doing it again and mom would probably be mad if I dared to do it. I guess there was only one way to know.

The next morning, mom stayed by the kitchen door while the small ones were leaving again. I couldn’t go with them. She did the same thing for some more days until I finally gave up on trying. I just stayed on my bed while watching them running outside. She allowed me to go to the porch after lunch to greet them and I was happy to do it every time, but what I wanted was to go again with them. And I think she noticed my face when they were leaving one day after I wake up and didn't move from my place without her telling me to stay inside. I think she noticed that I didn't want to try again and probably felt bad about it because she gave me a little more food than usual. I ate the whole plate without leaving my bed. There was no reason to stand up, after all. My legs were hurting a little, and I wanted to rest for some more time.

She placed her hands on my back like she usually does every time I finish eating, and then she took me and we went outside. Fresh air is always nice after eating, I’ll say.

III

I thought we were going to play. She took me to a place that was very similar to the place I went with the small ones, although not that big. There were not that many like them around. The place was filled with others that walked exactly like me! She was smiling while we were going from one spot to the other, and she allowed me to play with them. I never saw them before, and they probably never saw me either, but we started playing with each other almost immediately. We stayed for a very long time playing and I was already losing all of my energy, but I wanted to stay for as long as possible. Mom went inside a couple of times and then sat next to me while I was resting for a bit. I looked at her and she smiled. I bet she was happy to be there too.

We went back home when the sun was getting very low again, and the dark was starting to cover everything around us. The small ones were in the kitchen already eating and mom put me in my place and gave me some food too. We started sharing and this time she didn't say anything to anybody. I guess the trip made her happy as it did to me. And I understand happy and sad pretty well.

I went to bed and fall asleep almost immediately. I didn’t see the small ones leaving the next morning, because they were gone by the time I woke up. Mom was eating by herself in silence, and she smiled when she saw me walking thru the kitchen door. She stood up and gave me water and food and went back to her plate. We continue eating in silence until we both were done. She walked to the porch and called me to go with her. That took me by surprise. Was she taking me to the same place we went to yesterday? I would not mind going again!

Sometime later, I was already playing with those that walked like me. There were some more that walked like mom – more than the day before – and they were all sitting together by the corner of the big yard, chatting and laughing. They all looked happy to be there. And I was very happy too. We stayed for a very long time again and then went back home.

We did the same trip a lot of times, and it was always the same group sitting by the corner while I and the others that walked like me were playing. Sometimes there were new faces, and there were others that I never saw again, but I was always happy to play with them. The only problem was that my legs were hurting more and more every time we went back to that place; I always tried to forget about it, but I started to have a very hard time keeping up with the rhythm of the games. I wasn’t sure what was going on; mom didn't seem worried about it. She kept bringing me a lot of times and taking me back home when the sun was already very low. Something I didn't notice at first was that mom sometimes was not with the others by the corner for a very long time. But since it was another one who was watching me and the others playing, I didn't take it as something important to worry about. If she needed to go somewhere else, I was fine as long as I was with the others. I was very happy, and I understand happy pretty well. I even forgot about that day when I was trying to greet the small ones closer than usual when they were coming back home after lunch, and something really hard and big hit me without warning.

IV

Mom was directing her attention to him, but her hands were placed on my belly. I was still in the same spot unable to move, and they were still discussing something. Her expression was a clear reflection of the pain I was feeling. Her eyes were filled to the point of droppings, like the mornings after the days of cold. I'm sure she was in pain too, probably because of me. I mean, there was no other explanation. We were going to that place filled with others that walked like me for a very long time until I was unable to walk entirely. I remember one day when she took me to the porch and we stayed there for longer than usual. She talked to me very slowly and did a lot of pauses, and then she took me to this place. And I didn’t like it here: the smell was really weird, and the sounds were scary. I couldn’t move so I couldn’t run back home, and the idea of not knowing what was happening around me freaked me out.

She nodded and the other one got closer to me. I saw again what I saw before but I didn’t recognize what it was. I just felt a sting in one of my legs and then a hot sensation all around the lower part of my body. I noticed that the pain was starting to disappear, and I liked that a lot. Maybe I would be able to go back and play with the others that walk like me, or even better, go with the small ones again to that big place where they go after I wake up. I started to feel better just an instant after feeling the sting. This was awesome!

Mom was smiling while she was looking at me. I was sure she was feeling the same way I was feeling after the sting, but I didn’t see the other getting closer to her. Maybe she was happy for me because the pain was going away and I was feeling better. Maybe she was also thinking about going to that place we went to so many times. Maybe she was missing the others that sat with her by the corner of the yard. She was always laughing when she was with them, so it was probably that. She rubbed my belly in a very silly way but I like it, especially now that it was not hurting anymore when she touched me. I looked at her face like telling her to do it again, and I think she understood because she did it, several times, smiling and cleaning her eyes. The other got closer to her and said something in her ear, and I thought for a moment that she would be feeling the sting too; I saw her walking thru the door and going away. Is she leaving me here alone with the other? She was smiling at me and giving me silly belly rubs! She can’t leave me now!

The sting was no longer hurting, but I was still feeling it somehow. Maybe this was supposed to happen. I was feeling great actually. Then mom came back and the small ones were with her. They were all smiling while they were looking at me. They got closer and made a circle around. The other was standing by the window, not that far away. It was like those days when we were all sitting in the kitchen after they came back home and we shared food, but they didn't have any with them this time, as far as I could tell. Mom was talking to the other now, and the small ones were still around me. Maybe she was asking him to leave the room.

I was hungry, and I didn't want her to go out again. If the other was going to leave and bring something to eat for all of us, I wouldn't mind it at all.

V

I don’t know if the sting was supposed to do this, or if it was because the pain was no longer present and I was feeling great. I suddenly felt a desire to run outside rushing through my spine. I could feel the breeze already on my face, and the door was open. I tried to move a little and was unable to do it. My body simply didn't react. I tried again and was able to move one of my legs to the border of the bed. I tried one more time and moved the other leg too. One of the small ones saw what I was trying to do and started to cry. I didn't know this before. I never understood why they made that kind of noise while their face was all deformed when mom was mad at them for something they did, like pushing each other to the floor. But now I was fully understanding what the small one was doing. And it was probably because of me.

As the pain was disappearing and I was feeling even better, I started to understand a lot of things I never understood before. Like why mom never wanted for me to go with them and why she took me instead to the other place: she wanted for me to be with others that walked like me. She wanted for me to spend time with them instead of being with the ones that walked like her. She was always taking care of me, even after that big and hard thing hit me. Now that I saw the little one crying because I was trying to run, I understood that she didn't want them to see me struggling to do very simple things. As I was getting worse with time, she probably thought that they would not be able to smile while I was deteriorating. She made a special ramp for me to be able to get on the bed when we all were taking a nap together and the small ones used it as a slide. It was a joy for them to play with it, and a bigger joy for me to watch them doing it.

The pain was now gone; the sting was no longer there. The other was still talking to mom and the small ones were still in a circle. I wanted to tell them all that I was feeling like never before and that I wanted to go home now. But my body was not reacting. Not a bit. Mom got closer and kissed me, then one by one the small ones started doing the same. A few moments later the big ones came to the room too and gave me big hugs. They were smiling but I could tell that they were trying hard to keep the smile on their faces. Something was not right. I couldn’t say what, but seeing the big ones made me remember that they used to be small too, and they played with me a lot back then. Seeing them as they were now, I suddenly realize that I saw them grow and became what they were now. They always took good care of me when mom was not around. Some of them were no longer living at home, but they came to visit from time to time. I started to wonder why they were there too.

Mom said something and everybody started to rub my belly as silly as she did before. And they all started to repeat something I heard before, many, many times.

When only mom and the other were in the room with me, I was unable to see them clearly and understand what they were saying. But now I was seeing everybody clear and was understanding what they were saying. Maybe this was what the sting was supposed to do. Maybe because there was no more pain in me, I was finally able to understand. And I was feeling great.

VI

They were all talking at the same time and the words were getting mixed between each other. I was trying to tell them that I was understanding what they were saying to me over and over, but they were not listening. They were all laughing and giving me hugs and kisses, and silly belly rubs. They didn't stay quiet long enough for me to say something back. I looked at them in an attempt to call for their attention and had no success at all. I rested my head back and stayed quiet instead.

The hot sensation I was feeling on the lower section of my body expanded into the higher parts. I remember that this place was cold when we got here, but not anymore. It was now feeling like being outside after lunch. Mom called everybody to a corner and they all got there in silence. The other went with them too. I may be able to tell them now what I wanted to say before! I started telling them that I was feeling like new and that we could go back home. I also said that I was seeing clearly and that I was understanding a lot of things I never understood before. I was remembering a lot of things, like the time when we played in the rain and mom got mad with everybody for the mess we did in the living room. Or the other time when we all stayed outside for the whole night, eating sweet things while sitting next to a fire. I was now understanding a lot of things about them and me. Especially about me. I continued telling them all that and more, but they were just looking at me and started laughing. It was a good laugh though, like the one they did when we all saw the ocean together for the first time.

I tried to stand up once more, but again my body refused to move. My legs were shaking a little; mom came over and touched them while she crunched and placed her face directly in front of mine. Then the other came over too. I saw my image reflected in mom’s eyes. The big ones got closer to me, while the small ones stayed by the corner, watching. There was no pain, but I couldn’t move at all. Mom gave me another kiss and called the small ones. They made a bigger circle this time.

The sting I felt before was something good. The hot sensation that covered all of my body started to dissipate, slowly at first. The room was feeling a little chill now. I tried once more to tell them, but I could see that they didn’t understand. They were in silence and they heard me well, but they couldn’t make sense of my voice. I feel bad for not being able to tell them what I wanted to say, now that I was understanding what they were telling me all the time. There was nothing else to do. I was feeling sleepy now, and my eyes felt like they had some weight attached to them. The other was working on some machines pressing buttons, and the noise in the room was reduced to almost nothing. Only the small ones were making the same noise that one of them did when I tried to move before.

I stayed quiet for some time, looking at them, smiling. They smiled back, or at least that’s what I think they did. I was losing my vision again, but this time I didn’t care. I just wanted to sleep. They did all they could do. Especially mom. I understand that now.

After all, and as they said to me every time, I am… no, I was always a good boy”.