Saying Goodbye

As a child you grow up thinking about all the glamorous things you get to do as an adult. Driving, staying out as late as you want, eating what you want. The list goes on. But it never occurs to you all the difficult things that will come your way.

Not until you start to really experience life, not the adventure part but the dark part.

As an adult you get to make all kinds of choices, who to marry, where to live and how you live your life.

A choice my husband and I have made is not to have kids.

I know it’s an unpopular opinion but it my unpopular opinion. That I share with my husband.

So instead of having kids we are that cringey couple that call our animals our babies, our children. We have 5 fur-babies in total or at least we did.

Our total dropped this morning as we awoke and found one of our fur-babies collapsed on the kitchen floor.

Moments earlier…

Our alarm clocks began to ring, alerting us to the beginning of a new day. Our three cats began their three ringed circus performance as they do every morning. Then our small dog began barking her commands at them as she usually does.

Rousing ourselves, we got up for the day and were about to let Bella out.

Suddenly 2 screeches pierced the silent morning air, followed by a thud.

My husband instinctually ran down the stairs to find our dog passed out on the kitchen floor. He cried out and I rushed downstairs behind him.

In a blur we grabbed our dog and rushed her to the emergency vet. What felt like seconds later, we were then told it was time to say good bye.

Just the way no one wants to start their morning, hearing words that no parent ever wants to hear.

Bella was our first baby that we got together as a couple. I had actually bought her as a gift for my husband when we were dating.

She had been the love of his life ever since and there was nothing more heart wrenching than watching the love of my life say good bye to the love of his life.

As I write this now, I’m still numb from the events of this morning. But I can also feel the pain and heart ache seeping in, while I continue to process.

I am breathing but feel short of breath, I can’t stop moving (compulsive cleaner) but I feel frozen. I am awake but feel like I’m in a distant dream. A bad dream, a nightmare even.

My worst nightmare, saying goodbye to one of my babies. Something you expect but you still never see coming. Something you never feel ready for and struggle to accept as the choices are laid out for you.

Choices you as an adult you get to make and have to accept the repercussions of. It feels less like a get to and more like an unbearable have to.

Us lucky adults that get to make all the choices. These f****** choices…

Even if they are the compassionate or “right” choices, they suck.

The only thing that comes to mind in this moment is “Life isn’t fair.” Or as my grade five teacher used to say “Life sucks and then you die.”

Morbid I know but that’s how I feel right now, all dark and twisted as I hate what I had to do. Still struggling to accept the events of the day. The things I had to endure before 9am even came, the goodbyes I whispered before most of the world was awake today.

The joys of being an adult and making all the choices. ALL. THE. CHOICES.

In loving Memory of Bella.

May 2nd 2014- Feb 3rd 2023.

You were such a good girl and we will always love you! We miss you so much!!

A note from the Author:

For those of you who have gone through something similar. Here is poem from a fellow creator that really resinated with me!