Sarge My Beautiful Boy

I saw this challenge days ago and my instinct was to shut my laptop, let the sadness fester for weeks, and return to it, at a later date. Well, the later date is now and I have two hours to deadline. Procrastination, one of my greatest features. This one has lived up to the word "challenge" as this may be the most difficult and beautiful article I have ever had to write.

It is an article of me. It is a piece of me. Perhaps, it was the biggest piece of me. So here I am, challenged; in more ways than one, writing about the topic of my once best friend.

This year has been a complete nightmare and ironically enough, the best year of my life.

I experienced so much loss. I experienced so much gain. I experienced so much change. I experienced a transformation. This year will always be referred to as "the year." No further description or explanation needed. Perhaps, we all must endure "that year" to return or to find our definition of what life means to us, as an individual. The true meaning of this life that we must we lead, not follow.

This year forced me to retreat and respond. Retreat from life as I was "living it". Respond to life by redefining my purpose of life. This year forced me to revisit my beliefs and my entire being. I recovered my faith and my solitude. Most days, I can see the light in all the darkness. I have come to terms with my own loss and within the confines of grief, I stumbled upon this year's silver linings.

Some days, I silently become saddened with memories of what used to be. On those days, I remind myself, there is something yet to be discovered on this path, on this journey of life. Some days, I forget to remind myself and I'm still. But those days are fewer and further apart now.

Those bad days were never too hard before because I always had my faithful furry liege, my Sarge. The senior dog that I adopted two years ago. Sarge, the dog who became the biggest part of my heart. Unfortunately, I had to say goodbye to Sarge this past summer. I know it is not the ultimate goodbye, it is just a "til I see you again".

The loss is still real. The pain is still real. The grief passes through me. Intermittent waves of deep sadness wash over me, at the most unexpected times.

Immediately after his absence, I couldn't accept those moments as anything positive. I would drown in my own tears and remain stagnant for days. Now, I have learned to see it differently. When I lose myself in my sadness thinking about Sarge, I tell myself that he is closer to me somehow in those moments. Watching over me, as if my grief is a manifestation of his soul and spirit getting closer to me. It changes how I see everything. It helps me. He helped me in so many ways.

I have never been confident. I have always struggled with self-esteem. I never felt exceptional at anything. This past year, I found my voice in more ways than one and Sarge was the one who was there with me. Sarge helped me find my voice.

Sounds a bit ironic but he truly did.

I always sang silently to myself. I sang in the car, I sang in the shower, and basically anywhere that I knew I would not be heard. I knew I could carry a tune. I knew I could sing. I knew I could project. For the longest time, the only other one who knew that, was Sarge.

Since the age of 15, I had a guitar. I was and never will go down in history as a famous guitar player. It was something I kept private, something I left for me, and well, of course, Sarge. Over the years, I learned how to play and sing, which is not easy- regardless of what anyone says.

Prior to "the year", I NEVER WOULD HAVE EVER PLAYED AND SANG IN FRONT OF ANYONE! I refused to play for my own husband at the time, a stranger as it turned out. Self-esteem was never a strength, at least in the past. Raised in a family of perfectness, a constant pressure to succeed, and absolutely no room to fail. I am not angry, I am accomplished. The silver lining of it all, I have remained humble and complementary. I do not have a competitive bone in my body and to be honest, I love it.

So, thanks Ma & Pa. No regrets and no hostility from me.

I went to my first open mic night last fall. I ran into an old friend who hosted open mic. I got excited about singing and playing. Eventually, I performed. Wednesday nights were my favorite because you could take your dog.

Sarge was my shadow, even before we started going to open mic. Where I went, Sarge went. Even when I was performing, he didn't skip a beat. If I was singing solo, he would pop a squat and just chill up on the stage with me. If I was playing with other people, not even kidding, he would walk around and sniff them all out, make sure they were not going to harm his momma.

This is the bond I mentioned earlier. It is unspeakable and it is unfathomable. It was as if I had trained him for years, but I hadn't. I had only had him for a little over two years, but he quickly became my protector. Sarge was my rescue angel. My Sergeant, my darling and beautiful boy. Even his name I changed and after 10 years of listening to his old name "Target" he wouldn't even respond. It was something so fantastically beautiful and to this day it still brings a smile to my face.

Sarge and I had an unspeakable bond. A bond never broken- a bond never severed. By life or by death, Sarge and I will always be connected. Last night, I had a moment. I went and played somewhere new. Not only was it somewhere new but I also my first produced song. Immediately after, I saw someone with a little dog, similar to Sarge. Lump in my throat, I quickly said my goodbyes to my friends and lost it on the way to the car…and most of the way home. I know he would be proud, one of the most unconditional loves I have ever known. I know my tears are just representations of days that my fallen angel has remained beside me yet.

My darling beautiful boy…I love you.