STray to Stay

Wouldn't I love to adopt a dog. <3

I love dogs, and I would love to adopt one, there's one problem though, I already have a dog. The most beautiful dog in the world, Izzy. <3 The problem is I can't see her.

I miss her. I feel like I never understood love until I met her. Everyone always says you'll never understand love until you have a child. I hate when people say that. It's offensive to people who don't have children. "Triggered." I don't think people understand that when they write things like that. There are people out there who don't have children and who have never had children who live happy, loving lives.

It's ignorant.

I always hated that because I have no children. It's not that I never wanted children, it just never happened. I had/have a step-daughter. We never got married. We were together 3 and a half, 4 years. She'll always be my step-daughter in my heart. I love her. She's beautiful. <3

The day I met the dog. God, she's so beautiful, like her sister. Beautiful. That dog loves me so much. It's crazy. She remembers me. She knows I'm her mommy. I love her so much. She had surgery last week and my ex called me. I was upset. I already had to grieve not being able to see the dog anymore, allowing myself to accept that I may never see that dog again, and then he calls. So beautiful.

She had to get spayed. She had to wear a cone on her head for 2 weeks. I felt bad for her. Poor thing. It was good though. She survived and did really good I must say. The cone is off and she's happy. She got so big. It's crazy. Her fur is so beautiful, golden retriever. She's the happiest, most friendliest dog I've ever met.

It's crazy.

My ex doesn't let her up on the bed but when I was there I let her up. She leaped up the last night I was there. My ex took her out to pee. He had to literally drag her out to get away from me but she had to pee and we were going to bed; she didn't want to leave me. When she came back she leaped up on the bed, front paws first, like I never seen her do before, right into my arms. I love her so much.

I'd like to adopt a dog but I don't know if I'm ready yet. I'd name her Charlie. Little dog to cuddle up to every night. She would be allowed in my bed. God I miss Izzy. So perfect. Come here little girl, like I'd have to call her, she doesn't leave me alone when I see her, mommy loves you. Come here and let me pat you. Rub your belly. Make you feel good.

I miss you little girl. I love you and I'm sorry it has to be this way. You have a good father. You know that. Very good dad, dog dad, human dad, I would never say he wasn't, no matter what happens, happened. I'll miss my girls, everyday. Everyday. I wish you were cuddling up right next to me today. I could use you. Maybe someday I'll get Charlie and maybe you's will meet. Maybe not. Maybe not...

Goodbye little girl. Mommy loves you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You taught me what love was. I never felt love like that before. Unconditional love. Unconditional. I wish I could go see you today. Rub your neck for you. Rub your belly. Take you for a walk, whatever you want. It kills me that I will never take you for a walk again. It kills me walking in those trails without you. It kills me to think about you and know that I can't take you, I can't have you, can't make you happy. Acceptance. Acceptance.

Grieve and accept and move forward. It's hard moving forward without you. I love you. But it will be okay. Life will go on. I miss you. I've always missed you. This is life now. And it's okay. It's all going to be okay. This is life. This is my life. Virtual hug Izzy, virtual hug. I'm thinking about you. I'm always thinking about you. I love you and I miss you and if your father and I ever talk again I'll pick you up a big treat. The best bone ever. Nothing will ever be enough. I'll miss you forever. Thank you. Thank you Izzy for loving me. I miss you. <3

You’re like a flower in my heart that never withers, never dies. I love you.

My heart, my corner, my light. <3