An Open Letter to all the Karens at the Dog Park.

Dear dog owner and fellow dog park attendees,

For some of you, this is your first time owning a dog making it your first baby. I understand your concerns and apprehensions while your dog visits a park as it's new to you; however, some of you have been coming here for years and aggrivate the crap out of me. With this said, before even entering a dog park, you should make yourself aware of dogs' behaviors before screaming like a wild hyena's making me contimplate throat punching you.

1. Dogs are animals of a pack mentality. It doesn't matter how much you trust a dog. Anything can happen. Remember that.

2. Sorry, my dog finds your dog sexy and wishes to hump it till the cows come home (joke). No, my dog cannot impregnate your dog when my dog's penis isn't even touching your precious pup, and do you see balls hanging? Lack of bulging testicles means my dog is neutured. Dogs mount other animals to establish social status or control. They also hump due to stress or excitement. Don't jump to conclusions that my dog wants your dog to come over tonight to partake in a little Netflix & chill sessions. Please Chad, take it down a notch.

3. Dogs have personalities just as we do. There are cases where they might not get along with individual dogs. Quick question, do you like every person who crosses your path? It would be best to let dogs handle their differences without you needing to be a helicopter parent Brad.

4. Dogs speak a different language, and I must admit I am jealous of not knowing what my dogs say to one another. One of my dogs growls when playing, this is entirely normal and playful behavior. Please, Heather before you start getting all up in arms and involved and telling me my dog is out of line, understand this is playful mannerisms.

5. Good morning Blair, I see you, pretending not to see your dog in the corner dropping a deuce. For the love of God, pick up your dog's poop! Don't take animals into your home if you can't care for them, this includes picky up their warm smooshy smelly poop.

6. To all the negative Nancy's out there who think it's okay to yell at my dog-don't do that unless you want mamma bear to come out of her cave. I was hoping you wouldn't yell at my dog while your dogs over by a tree eating the fecal matter it pushed out two minutes ago. I trained my dogs by way of certain words and vocal tones. I don't scream at my dogs; instead, I decided to use positive enforcement, proven to be more effective with dogs than yelling at them.

7. If you decide to bring treats to the park for your dog, that's cool but don't think for a second my Lab won't smell the treats a mile away. And honestly, Susanna, giving a dog a treat without asking the owner is incredibly stupid and dangerous. Seriously, screw you, and thanks for the allergic reaction along with the $350 vet bill.

8. Hey Cynthia, sometimes dogs will get into a fight. This happens just as humans do from time to time. I've owned animals my whole life, and only once were my dogs brutally attacked. 98% of dogs quarrels are over in less than a minute. Their main goal is to establish dominance or to show the other dog it needs to back off. So, please don't jump to conclusions and call the cops, scream, try to ban certain dogs from the park.

So, to all the Karen's, Chad's, Carl's, and Buffy; let your dog act like a dog, and if you cannot handle yourself while at the dog park, go for a walk or put a fence in your dam yard. Hence, calm the fudge down or stay the frack home. No one likes a helicopter Norma Bates type parent.