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You've Messed Up, again, and It's Okay.

by Zaquoya Tinsley 2 years ago in healing

an ode to starting over...

You've Messed Up, again, and It's Okay.
Photo by Mike Baker on Unsplash

You are here again. You thought you would never be. You were supposed to learn that lesson last week, last month, last year. A never ending cycle going around and around. You live in terror, just praying you don't fall for that same dirty trick again, hoping that for once you can see past the facade of false love, the sweet, but untrue idealization of two spirits uniting; Maybe, it is just the last sickening drink, the "final" job that you are trying to force yourself to fall in love with.

We have all been there. Many times. So many times, that we have become ashamed to even count the numbers in our head.

They say healing is not linear. It is a spiral of roller coaster drops, explorations in dark dripping and drooping caves, and peaceful boat rides on the lake - until you realize you picked the wrong boat, and you are out too far to get back to shore before you completely sink under into dark mud, with strange creatures. And just as quick as you got into those situations, you get out.

For example: You have a friend sitting right next to you on that dangerous, but dazzling roller coaster clenching your hand so tight, you feel it might just melt into theirs, While on your trek through that dark and creepy cave looking for the rare crystals that are the talk of legends, you meet someone whom is on that same trek, except they have been through that cave before, and warns you that you are heading down the pathway to the family of caked up, creepy cave spiders, rather than the pathway to beautiful and bountiful gems, In that lake you splash, splosh, and swash, until you feel an unfamiliar grip of a passerby that just happened to see you at the right time, before the mire consumed you.

These souls, are angels. That have come to accompany you, comfort you, and remind you that you are never alone, and that no challenge is too much, they are here to teach you that love does last, and it takes us deeper than any cave. They are here to tell you, that you are also an angel. That you can be someones delightful surprise, someones reminder to keep the will to live alive. Take this title with great honor.

They say healing is not linear, but what do you do when you feel like the only direction is down? That no matter the will power, your path has been decided, and that it is going straight to Hades? What do you do when you are lost in bleak numbness? When healing seems to be a silly fantasy wee humans made up to feel like they could face the next day, or the present night? You believe that feeling, you go within, you seek, and you learn, you process, and then you tear that, you rip it to shreds, and you finally begin to see the light seep through the rips.

These journey's and long treks are ultimately a sacred part of our path in life. We need them, in fact we would never become who we are without these confusing challenges. I know we ask ourselves, why? We ask our higher power, why? We ask our spirit guides, why? Maybe the question we should really be asking is, what can I do to honor this experience? What can I do, to come out of this fight like the Phoenix rising from it's ashes?

Healing is not linear. Healing takes time. It takes Alchemy, but guess what? You have every right to be here, in whatever lesson you need to be in, no matter how many times you mess up and end up back at again. You were birthed for this shit. You were birthed to do this shit YOUR way. You were birthed for pain and righteousness. You were birthed for self-made salvation.


About the author

Zaquoya Tinsley

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