Yes to NO, Yes to Difficult Conversations.

The year was 2017.

I picked up Shonda Rhimes’ book Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person mainly because at the time I was very serious about becoming a working screenwriter and she was one of my favorite people working in that industry.

I didn't know then but that simple decision I made, three years ago, would turn out to be a very pivotal moment in my life.

In summary, Year of Yes is a book that sees a shy, introverted, 'always saying no to anything fun or social' Shonda Rhimes start saying yes to things that make her uncomfortable. Over 15 chapters, we see her say Yes to a variety of things and we learn the lessons she learned from making those decisions.

The chapter that I’m singling out today is the one that REALLY changed my life in a profound way. Don’t get me wrong, every chapter touched me in one way or another, but CHAPTER 11: Yes to No, Yes to Difficult Conversations is by far, till this day, one of the best pieces of literature I have ever gotten to read.

In this chapter, Shonda talks about how hard it is to say no, especially in our personal lives. This knowledge of how difficult it is to say no makes people feel comfortable making requests they’d otherwise never make because they know hard it is to say that no. Here is an excerpt:

Everyone knows how difficult it is to say no.

It’s one of the reasons why people seem to be comfortable asking you for favors they have no business asking you for. They know how hard it is to say no.

“Can you watch my kids for an hour?”

“Can I wear your diamond earrings?”

“Can I borrow your car?”

Or telling you to do things they have no business telling you to do.

“I am gonna need you to work my shift.”

“I need you to loan me a hundred dollars.”

Now, the answer to all of these should be no—unless the person coming to me is one of my closest friends or a member of my immediate family. Frankly, if they aren’t your closest friends or family, they have no business even asking the question. No. No. No.

But it’s hard to say no.

And she is right! It is really hard to say no.

At the time I was reading this back in 2017, this was especially the case for me. I was a doormat in so many ways. Also because I had just started to experience success in my work, I felt an obligation to help my family and friends especially the ones who weren’t yet financially stable. And while this is of course a good thing in theory (“be charitable”, “be giving”), people take advantage of it. In fact, people get entitled to your money. I felt GUILT every time I would begin trying to find some jumbled up way of saying no, which now that I think about, always one way or another ended up in me saying ‘yes’.

I’d go home feeling awful after sending money for the 35th time to the same person on their 35th excuse. I’d beat myself up constantly replaying all the things I should have said and all the things I should have done. Reading this chapter, seeing someone who saw and understood what I was going through, it was not only refreshing, it was life saving.

I'll read you another excerpt from the chapter.

Even though I’ve become a master at saying no at work, it’s different in my personal life. Everything is different in your personal life. At work I have the shield of speaking on behalf of what is best for the story, the show, the cast, the crew, the staff. Outside of work, I’m speaking on behalf of what is best for me.

And who am I?

I’m great at taking care of other people. So why am I so bad at taking care of myself? Why am I so unwilling to show myself the same kindness and consideration, to cut myself the same slack, to give myself the same protection and care that I would give anyone else?

This problem did not change as I got more successful at work.

It got worse.

My Life To A Tee!

She goes on:

The moment I had a TV show on the air, people came out of the woodwork. People I knew, people I hadn’t talked to in years, people I only vaguely knew, people who maybe knew someone who might have known my mom, people who were related to me by the thinnest of threads . . .

Jobs, places to stay, money, scripts to be read, a part on the show, audition opportunities, tuition, films to be financed, introductions to celebrities, investments in their companies, a meeting with the child of their friend—you name it and I’ve been asked for it.

At first I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t.

I also couldn’t say no.

I would try. And then I’d find myself nervously babbling some excuse and talking myself into a circle that somehow always ended in my saying yes.

Again, preaching to the choir! This was me. Obviously not at the level where I was running a whole TV show but that didn’t seem to matter to people. It’s as though in people’s heads, once they hear that you make any kind of living, to them you’ve hit the jackpot.

But why couldn't I say no? Why did I find myself always saying yes to things I didn't want to do or wasn't comfortable with? According to Shonda,

The reason I’ve been so afraid to say no is clear. I worried, “What if she gets angry? What if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore? What if she yells and things turn ugly?”

Again, accurate! In my life, the fear of being ‘shouted at’ is something that I’ve always been afraid of. I don’t know why this is the case, maybe it stems from my authority figures growing up always shouting at me or telling me to “shut up” every time I tried to ask a question or say something on my mind. Something about being yelled at really scares me. I know, it's one of the most obscene things, but here I am. I never want to get anyone angry, I never want to ruffle any feathers.

In Shonda’s book, she talked about a friend she called Laura. Laura was a very close friend of hers who out of the blue, asked Shonda for an obscene amount of money. Like me, Shonda begun having the sweats. She was panicking, worrying about all the polite ways she could tell this very close friend of hers that she couldn’t help her. After a pep talk from her sisters and writing on a post-it note everything she wanted to say, she finally mustered up the courage to call Laura and tell her that she wouldn't be able to give her the money.

Then guess what? Laura went off.

“About the money,” I say softly, “I am going to be unable to do that.”

The rant sent in my direction because I will not hand over my money is stunning. As I listen—and I do sit and listen—I feel a tremendous sense of relief wash over me.

And in that moment, I am set free.

The reason I’ve been so afraid to say no is clear. I worried, “What if she gets angry? What if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore? What if she yells and things turn ugly?”

Now it’s happening. And all I can think is, “Good. Now I know.” The worst thing that could happen is happening and . . . so what? It isn’t so awful. I’m happier knowing what kind of person this really is than I was not knowing.

Saying no, what I really wanted to say, allowed Laura to reveal herself by getting her to say what she really wanted to say. And what she wanted to say was she was using me for what I could do for her. That she resented me. That I was her ATM machine.

And you know what I say to that?

Aw. Hell. No.

For Shonda, the worst case scenario happened. She was yelled at, the friendship was broken.

And she didn’t die.

Not a strand of hair exited her body. She didn't immediately combust.

The worst case scenario happened and it was over.

For someone like me, this was EVERYTHING. It was the eye-opening moment I needed. The moment that I realized that this fear I'd been holding onto, this fear of ruining the friendship, of being yelled at, it could happen but even if it happened, I won't die.

After the incident with Laura, Shonda writes:

I literally run around the room. I do that sometimes. When I get overly excited, I run around the room. I am on a high for days. I tell the story to anyone who will listen. People keep trying to comfort me over the loss of a friend.

But they don’t get it. I did not lose a friend. I gained a second superpower.

I can make stuff up. And I can say no.

Wait.

I can do more than say no.

I can say anything.

I can make stuff up. And I can say anything.

I can say anything to anyone.

Any difficult conversation, any tough issue I have sitting in the pit of my stomach, any unsaid confessions, any itchy little resentment and unpleasant business?

I can talk about it.

I want to talk about it.

Because no matter how hard a conversation is, I know that on the other side of that difficult conversation lies peace. Knowledge. An answer is delivered. Character is revealed. Truces are formed. Misunderstandings are resolved.

Freedom lies across the field of the difficult conversation.

Freedom lies across the field of the difficult conversation!

It's been 3 years of me getting comfortable with saying no. Believe it or not, it is now a lot easier for me to say no than it is for me to say yes. The thing about identifying a problem is that truly, as cliche as it sounds, the acknowledgement of said problem is the first step. Reading this book, I knew I was Shonda before her Year of Yes. I was the boy everybody walked all over. I didn’t want to be that boy anymore. I didn’t like that boy.

So I started saying no. I've learned that it’s far easier to change your answer from a 'no' to a 'yes' than it is to change it from a 'yes' to a 'no'. Once you commit to anything, getting out is hard. When you say no upfront, you can choose to change your mind later.

I have never been happier. I’ve come to learn that happiness is a collection of doing things that make you happy. If I don’t want to go out to a party, I don't. If I’d rather stay in and talk on the phone with my friend, I will. If I choose to lie down on my bed and read a good book while everyone else is out, I'm happy with that. Because these are my choices. The things that make ME happy.

I no longer put myself in inconvenient situations simply to appease those around me. A magical thing happened after I took back my life, my friends didn’t leave me. In fact, we have more fun now than we’ve ever before. Why? Because when I go out to events and functions, I do things that I actually want to do which in turn makes me happier than I've ever felt at these same functions that were once such a drag to me. The calls to ask for money have greatly reduced. I have learned to say 'no' to inconveniences and block the people who try to take my joy away. Finally, I have learnt this:

Saying no is hard the first time. But when you do it, and then do it again, and then do it once again, slowly but surely you’ll get used to it and it will become one of the greatest weapons in your arsenal. This ability to say NO, hard as it is to cultivate, will at the end leave you dancing it out, standing in the sun, and being your own person!

Oh trust me, it will!

If you are a reader and want to grab a hold of this book, I employ you to consider buying it from one of these black-owned independent bookstores. If you'd much rather buy from most people's go-to retailer, Amazon, then here's that link. I hope you find as much value in this book as I have.

If you're not a reader, I have sprinkled this article with 4 videos that give you a good sense of what the book is about. Hopefully these videos can be as impactful to you as the book and these videos were to me.

It's time we ALL start saying yes to ourselves.

What are we waiting for?