Why I’m Thankful For The Falls

I can't believe I actually understand this now. I could not see this 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, even 2 months ago!

I was trying so hard to make some stuff work that was just never supposed to work! Yes, I'm aggressively saying this! It was freaking exhausting, and I failed miserably at all of it. Or did I?

I thought I was going to be married to who I thought was the love of my life, and I was so excited and I could not wait to do life together with this person.

Ultimately, he decided that I was not his forever, and that he had some stuff he needed to figure out about himself. Given the situation we had put ourselves in, I was infuriated. I was so pissed off and hurt. Just so unbelievably devastated.

The breakup brought on a relapse and I started drinking to cope. This led me, and us, down a whole other path of poor decisions, and bad, awful, ugly, dark feelings. It only made things worse, for both of us. I was fucking hurt.

After that happened, there was a new series of blows that I took, back to back, and I was trying to stay sober in a place with no sober support, no support close to me at all.

All of my people were 1,000 miles away, back home in Ohio. Yeah, I haven’t mentioned yet how I uprooted my entire life to be with this person, but it's cool now.

Here's what happened next:

1) Car accident (my car was totaled)

2) Promotion at work! Yay!

3) Company eliminates my position, wtf! (covid stuff)

4) I start drinking, again, because that's just where I was at

5) I tried so hard to get and stay sober, again

6) Hurricane Lara shows up, and BAM! I'm done. I am done, done.

"I feel I’m standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up!" - Rose DeWitt Bukater

Ya'll, I was hurting. I was crumbling. I legit thought I was going to die all alone in this dark, hot apartment. No water, no lights, no electric. I hit a new bottom. I was drowning.

I couldn't eat anything. Every time I tried to drink something I got sick and started throwing up. It wasn't covid.

It was stress. It was depression. It was a broken heart. It was more pain than I thought I could handle, and I believed I couldn't, and it showed. I wanted to give up.

So why didn't I?

I know why. I can't mention it here because they may not approve my story, so I'll just say that "the most controversial name ever mentioned in time" is the reason why I kept going.

Something carried me.

I have 80 days sober, today.

In this time I was able to purchase another vehicle. I got another job, one with the potential for me to make a lot more money, with a lot less stress involved.

I have a roof over my head. I'm surrounded by people who genuinely love and care about me. I have incredible friends.

I let go of some stuff, and that made room for new stuff to come into my life. I feel like I can be myself again, and I'm learning who she is all the time. I didn't feel like I could do that before.

My ex was never supposed to be mine. I was never supposed to be his. Man, that still stings a little just to say it out loud. But it's ok. It's really ok.

I truly believe that God has a bigger plan. He has someone for me that will have me one day wondering why I was ever so bent up over that guy. I can't wait for the day I wake up and realize that I have outgrown this person.

I could not be here right now, in this strong and healthy mindset, if it wasn't for the falls.

If it wasn't for him breaking up with me, and the relapse, and the fighting and arguing and yelling and cussing at one another.

If it wasn't for me falling apart and drinking myself to death, or at least until I passed out, and waking up to hear about the way I acted and the embarrassing things I said and did. If it wasn’t for the car accident, the loss of the job I thought I needed, and all of the shit, I wouldn't be right here. Better. Home where I need to be right now.

If it weren’t for the falls, I wouldn't have met Lauren, and Christian. I wouldn't be so close to Jess. I wouldn't have Jac. I wouldn't have connected with The Unit. I would still be trying to impress a man I felt like I could never impress.

I wouldn't feel this level of confidence. I wouldn't feel this peace, and joy.

Oh My God! There are moments I feel joy! That's amazing! I never thought I'd feel that again.

Sometimes it takes us having to crawl our way through the darkness in order to stand back up in the light. That is why I am so thankful for the falls this Thanksgiving Season.

Thank you for reading, and Happy Thanksgiving to you, and your friends and family.

Keep going, no matter what.