Who am I?

I always felt quite small in the world of men nevertheless there was still a voice that addressed me with grace and honor. It was my voice. I was caught really between two worlds: one which was very much a grand adventure and one I realized I had very little control over and was unpleasantly shocked by repeatedly.

It was like being awakened abruptly by cold water at times. I would be staring out the window counting the number of sounding crickets outside my bedroom window, smelling the crisp mountain air which was laced with the scent of river elms and blossoming blackberries when I would hear my parents in the far bedroom in some sort of discussion that led to an argument, that led to a screaming match which led to a physical struggle. Usually by that time I was frozen in fright, shock, and a level of disbelief since I had just been in such a lovely place with the mountain air and the tranquility of the moment. Just as storms come and go things would pass. I had to accept life was just that way. Besides one voice was still louder than the rest. That voice led me to a world I could have never had imagined.

It all made sense when my foot first stepped off the plane. I was in a whole new country half way around the earth from my own. With that first footstep the whole world spun into focus for a moment. As I gazed down a simple airport hall I was hit with fragrances, scents that drew out of me memories so deep they only had the ability to remind me of some world which seemed more familiar than any world I had ever known. I wanted to take it in with my full heart. I had never known so many of my senses to be aroused at once. It would have been overwhelming but the crowd of people deboarding was enough to keep my feet moving.

It was several days of travel before our destination. A train which ran through rice paddies, palm trees, monkeys, and thousands of people. More people with more problems and challenges than I had ever seen. Once at our destination there was only a simple building with rooms for women on the left and rooms for men on the right and a dining hall in the middle. There was an expanse of land with a few trees, much tilled farmland, a few buildings of no great size here and there. The air was warm and moist, the sound of bells rang from goats necks as they were herded through the land so they could graze on anything available. I had my own bed covered with a mosquito net in a room of 4 beds. My own locker for my belongings with a lock and a schedule on the door for the planned activities which I could choose to participate in or not.

I was of the kind that was open to new experiences. I rarely feared embarking on an adventure but in this moment I needed nothing but to find the source of my sudden peace. I found my self pleasantly embraced by the feeling of home even though I was no where near it. In fact I don’t think I felt so at home in my own home. This feeling was so peaceful and so soothing that my two worlds within faded away and I was only left with my self, the moment, and my question of how could this have come to be?

I walked out to the front veranda. A breeze hit my face and a path lined with white washed rocks every six or so feet beconded me to step off and find the source of this experience that I was having. In that moment I gazed at the veranda walls then the ceiling to remember where I needed to return. I saw a small owl siting in the rafters of the roof. Owls were my friends telling me the same message each time: this world that you are in will soon end and another will begin. They always brought the message of an ending. I saw it more as a new beggining though since when they appeared they also pointed the way which I was to go.

I stepped off the porch and onto a very well walked dirt path. The setting sun following me to my destination. I was filled with peace and wonder as I gazed at a small tomb with a simple spire and four pillars each made in honor of a different religion. The walls were made of grey stones and there was one person who sat attending the needs of the premises. I was so enthralled with the atmosphere and my inner experience I never noticed anyone until I was close enough to enter. I was guided to a basket of roses and was encouraged to take one, which I did. I was so happy to have it’s delicate beauty in my hand as an offering. Upon entering the tomb which is called the Samadhi by those whom frequent there I was enveloped by a silence and a deep presence that gave me the immediate impression I was part of something much beyond my capacities to understand or absorb. My thoughts slowed and my body naturally kneeled and folded almost into child’s pose except the stone slab in front of me was about 12 inches higher than the floor where I laid my head on the cool marble. It was engraved “I have come not to teach but to awaken”. My forehead now pressed on the marble became heavy and my heart expanded. Instead of my usual smallness and identity as one who is questioning I felt dissolved, but also very present. I had no questions since they were all replaced by presence. Of course some say it is love, others say Barakah, I say.... home.