Where I find you

Happiness.

A word that's embodiment has seldom kept me company lately. I still don't know the feeling of constant happiness. I want to know it. But until that day comes... I'll share with you three things that spark some light in my darkness.

I initially struggled to find a picture that brought me joy. It's not every day you see a picture so wonderful it genuinely incites those emotions.

I scrolled through my phone gallery to no avail. Sure. There were some nice things but I needed something that actually made me happy.

I didn't want to pretend or exaggerate.

So. After some searching, I closed my gallery app and opened WhatsApp. This is where I frequently communicate with my best friend. Naturally, as I opened the app I thought of her.

That was where I was hit with a realisation. I knew of the perfect photo.

She had sent me a picture of our younger selves a while back. We were twelve and in our boarding school's common room.

I searched for the picture and the second I saw it, I squealed in delight; in recognition, love and remembrance.

This was a time when I was happiest. That school (which I soon left) was the only place in my teenage years where I was joyful. Everyday.

I initially (like most other boarders), didn't like the school, I complained all the time.

I don't know what clicked, but after the first three months of dissatisfaction, my heart suddenly changed its mind and I loved the place.

Though I loved the school, due to family circumstances I ended up leaving.

This photo not only reminds me of the place I loved but also of the beautiful friendship I have with my dearest friend, Keyah. This was at the very beginning of our relationship and we'd only met a month or two prior to the photo being taken. Our connection was instant and our similar personalities helped us understand each other.

Seeing the roots of our friendship, knowing how much we've been through and seeing how our bond has stayed strong throughout the past seven years truly brings joy to my heart.

Next, I'd like to introduce to you the wondrous account of Jameela Jamil. Hailing from the same country as I, the existence of this woman's work delights my soul.

There are two main reasons for this. The first, is the impact she's making around the world and the second, is the inspiration she gives me.

She spreads awareness and discusses issues that are plaguing our internet-centered society: such as dangerous dieting practices encouraged by celebrities. She takes part in conversations on unhealthy body standards, propaganda and the promotion of unhealthy lifestyles.

She embraces NORMAL and unfiltered. The things that all of us have, but never see portrayed in the media.

At the beginning of this pandemic, I was hard on myself. I wasn't working as hard as I knew I could. I wasn't completing tasks that I'd set for myself. I was trying to manage myself during this outbreak and I felt terrible. Suddenly Jameela posted exactly what I needed to hear:

This, to my busy brain, was a great reminder that I didn't NEED to do everything at once. This post was the catalyst that caused me to truly start allowing myself to simply be during this quarantine. It was the first time I really put everything down and meant it when I said "it's okay to do nothing"

She also has a second instagram account, called 'I-weigh', that encourages people to share what they "weigh".

Throwing out the scales, the message is that a person should weigh their worth: their good deeds, their good qualities and their dreams - not pounds and kilos. It takes a spin on society's fixation on weight and shines the light on what really matters.

I love her; she's loud, she's unapologetic and she's always growing.

To put an end to this reflection I'll share the most impactful thing on the list.

"Kanashimi wa Aurora ni" translating to "Sadness toward the Aurora" is sung by Japanese Singer, Aimer.

'Aimer' means Love in french. I find it quite fitting considering how much she's impacted me.

When she sings the words, "The aurora connects all of the world's loneliness and covers the night sky", as the stars sparkle and comets pass, my heart lights up. It reminds me of my pain and my loneliness. It doesn't make me sad though. Quite the opposite.

As I see the picture she paints in my head - thinking of all the lonely people in the world, looking up at the same sky, connected by this "aurora" - I feel less alone.

When I feel like life's not worth it. I listen to this. And it's not just this that makes me feel that way. Most of her songs do.

That's the thing about Aimer's music - they don't just make me feel happy. They make me want to live.

They make me feel like anything's possible. Her songs are like magic.

In the bleak of my life, when I hear the music and her voice. It's like a beacon slicing through the darkness. Giving me - in that moment - all the power to dance underneath its spotlight.