When the road becomes unclear.

It was the bleakest March I had ever experienced in all my 26 years. Everything was crumbling around me and I was suffocating, for I could not seem to catch a break. Nothing seemed to stick or pan out for me the way I wanted, needed, or expected it to, no matter how hard I tried or how persistent I was. Never have I felt so helpless and hopeless. Never was I on the verge of losing it, losing all hope than I was in that month. It was as if I was in a maze losing my bearings as I searched for a way out, only to hit dead end after dead end with no exit in sight. Which didn’t make any sense, given that I was following the rule of business, or what seemed like the rule of business. For it was told to me, almost on the regular in the many, many, many, interviews I had gone to. That rule being The Law of Averages, which I understood that law to mean the more opportunities I give myself the more chances I have at succeeding. I guess I was the exception to that rule, for it did not seem to apply to me no matter how many times I applied it to my job search.I had, for the longest time then been so set on my intention of finding another full-time job, a regular job, that I didn’t really give myself the break I guess to self-reflect and ask myself if what I was looking for is really what I liked, loved or, wanted to do. I hadn’t given myself the chance to ask if the industries or jobs I was applying to really interested me. I was just on a mission and had been since Mid-February to do what was indirectly implied and expected of me, find a 9-5 form of employment, and become a robot who lived a mundane, routine, life. And as soon as I came to that realization, as soon as I paused and began to ask myself these questions, it was like a huge boulder-like weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again.

That is when I changed my mind, changed my intention, and decided to pursue a new path, for I had, at that point, in every sense, nothing to lose and possibly the world to gain. Yet with this change of mind, came an array of new questions I did not have answers to. For this new path that I decided to explore was one that was not so clear cut or had a foreseeable future. It was a path not many ventured on, for it was not an easy one in the least, and those who did were a lucky few who faced many demurs and adversity both publicly and personally. Which wasn’t, I’m sure, an easy feat to consistently take on or deal with.

This was a path whose success was obscure and elusive, maybe due to the underlying challenges that came with pursuing this career path, those challenges being a given, appearing in front of you, in the moment and without warning. Or maybe due to the fact that those who did pursue this path had to possess and dominate, truly dominate, certain characteristics, that of resilience, perseverance, and drive, among others.

Given that those characteristics were qualities I had already been practicing and partaking in, were among the few reasons behind my decision to pursue this new path in particular. I had been reaching what seemed to me to be the ultimate dead ends with the path that I was on initially, getting nowhere. So had I not made a change, I would have remained in that maze, rerouting incessantly, ending up in dead ends that were becoming familiar to me.