When It Hurts

October 25th, 2019, was the day I was robbed of my dreams. I had lost sight of all my goals and with them the will to live. Battered, I was ready to put an end to everything I had or wished to have. On that fateful day, I lost three close friends to a car accident and drinking. And as if that was not enough, the woman I had loved all my life, cheated on me and jilted me. I was hurt, humiliated, and alone.

November was even darker. Hurting is too barren a word to express how I felt. I had lost my way to the life. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't go to the gym, couldn't even go to class without breaking down, and going to work, was certainly out of the question. I was shattered and at the lowest ebb of my life. Despite being a very private person, I resorted to psychological help as I wanted this feeling to go away, but it didn’t work. I hit rock bottom of depression and what made it worse; I was alone in this battle.

By the time November ended, I had lost 12 pounds, my grades sunk, I was sleepless and had lost my appetite. I started taking melatonin and sleeping tea daily, but nothing worked. I just couldn’t stop this negative stream of thoughts from racing through my mind. I wanted to sleep and to stop feeling this pain, but it lingered on. It consumed the support of my friends, family, and everyone else that I had. I was alone and left out and felt like no one cared or understood my pain.

My depression grew to the extent that I became suicidal. I started thinking of slitting my wrists, running into a moving vehicle, even blowing my brains out. November 22nd, I have had it enough. I went to the main campus bridge with intent to jump off of it and as I trod on my way towards the end my life, one of the teammates from high school shared his music playlist in our group chat.

“When It Hurts (Motivational Speech)” by Coach Pain & Motiversity, was the very first song on the playlist. That 9 minutes and 21-second long song changed my life. It spoke directly to me, and I felt every word of it. “Yes, it hurts sometimes when you feel alone”, the first eight words were so on point that I broke down. I listened to the song three times back to back, returned to my room and jotted down what hit home through the song.

December was the month of contemplation; my sleepless nights turned into looking for a reason for my being. What was my purpose in life? What should I be doing with it? What to do about the people related to me? How to get my family out of poverty? How to get my mother out of an abusive relationship? One day after another, I inched towards finding the purpose of my life. It was during this time that I drew a decent measure of validity through reading about Instagram niche accounts where people could follow their passion and in doing so, create financial freedom for themselves. I decided to make and grow an Instagram account to provide people with ways to make money despite all the craziness going on in their life (which I refer to as Side Hustle).

On December 24th, I created my Instagram account @sidehustlebible. After four days, on December 28th, I published my first post, and the rest is history. Since then, I have been grinding and hustling to not only create a better life for myself but others as well. In the last two months, I have been able to grow that page to 107 posts and my followership soared to over 30,000. In merely two months, this account made me enough money to be able to provide for my little brothers and help pay off some of my mother’s bills. I am hoping to pay off my student debt soon enough. But this isn’t just about money. More importantly, I have found peace of mind, a purpose for life and much-needed love through this account. Also, I have discovered the meaning of true happiness by helping several people with their accounts. Below are just some of the hundreds of messages that I get daily from people of all ages from around the world.

On November 22nd, 2019, I tried to end my life, and today on February 27th, I’m still here. The angst of yesterday is a distant memory. I have set my mind free from the prison I had placed it in, with a conviction that the rest of my life is going to be the best of my life. The struggle I went through felt unbearable but I lived through it. I have realized that the pain and suffering tests you to the core but teaches you the best lessons of life. Once you have suffered and made out of it by yourself, you realize that there is nothing you can’t do. I have learned to be positive; count my blessings, no matter how bad I feel because I know that many out there have it way worst then me.

Life has taught me that the only person I can rely on is myself. I may not be able to express what I have been through because, I believe, unless you have walked it, you will not be able to understand my journey from being a suicidal to being a source of motivation for others, from quitting to winning and from ending life to embracing it. The strength I have built over the past three months has made me confident of my abilities. @sidehustlebible is my reason and my purpose in life. All of you may not be able to share my vision, but that doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you must not lose sight of your goal; you have to keep hustling and finding beauty in the struggle. Trust me, in the end; it isn’t about gaining fans but becoming the biggest fan of yourself.