When can I start living?

Welcome

As I sit here and begin to write this story, I find myself at a crossroads. On the verge of unleashing my true self, and yet not quite able or brave enough to do so. I’ve actually been feeling this way for quite some time and even think I might feel the same when I look back next year! I’m going to explore the reasons why I might feel this way and hopefully make some positive connections within a supportive online community.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is James Richards and I’m a 30-something educator and musician living in the UK. A Cambridge graduate who really doesn’t feel like one. Told I’m destined for greatness, but can’t find it. Told I’m super intelligent, but always playing dumb. Told that employers would snap me up for jobs, but seriously not experiencing that! Alive, but not really living. Or so I think.

The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse

I write because I am inspired by a simple, lovely little book called The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse by Charlie Mackesy which was published in the autumn of 2019. After a very tricky year involving family deaths and hating my job, this was the most perfect book for me to come across while strolling through my local Waterstones store before the 2020 lock down. It reminded me of something that I had read when I started some counselling sessions in my mid-twenties: all the horrible things you say to yourself you wouldn’t dream of saying to anyone else, so stop bullying yourself!

This is such a wonderful book and it's packed full of clear, profound and memorable phrases for all ages to think about and remember. It speaks to us all about being kind to yourself and to others, about living in the present, about loving what you actually have, about prioritising what is actually important to us and about letting go of perfection.

This book woke me up and reminded me that although I’ve had help and become a much stronger person than I was a few years ago, I was still obsessed with the future and not enjoying the present. This book has really come at a crucial time for us all – a time when we have to reassess what futures we want for our children, what success looks like, what money is for, what our time is for.

The illustrations are beautiful too! Check it out: https://amzn.to/30GGQoh

When can I start living?

Strange, that I need to ask for permission to live. I admit that I’m bound by various ideas of what will allow me to start living: a steady job, my own house, more money, more power, more success. When I reach those goals, that’s when I can live! I’m supposedly an educated person. Fair, empathetic, a strong sense of right and wrong, an artist. Yet, I am obsessed with the idea that I need to be a multi-millionaire with a huge house, and go anywhere I want in the world, when I want.

The Truth

The truth is, this is a search for complete freedom, but I’ve been looking in the wrong direction. My idea of freedom has been rooted in financial abundance and status symbols, even though I’ve never aimed for those things or got close to them. I always thought that having these things would give me the freedom to be myself and keep me safe from harm. This is my search for the truth of who I am and a more meaningful kind of freedom.

Thanks

Thank you so much for reading. I can’t wait to share more about my experiences and hopefully help others along the way.