When a good thing goes bad

Having expectations is fine.

Striving for the best is great.

Setting the bar for what you feel worthy of is admirable.

But when do these ideals begin to feel more like restrictions?

I’ve spent the best part of my adulthood setting standards, expectations and boundaries in my relationships, my career, my finances and even over my emotions. I have fallen into the trap of seeing these as my protective shield, without realising its weight to have held me down; the guidance became the law; and the freedom of choice became oppressive. I made these ideals my idol and prided myself in a way of life that even I failed to match up to. I turned my nose up at the things and the people that failed to meet the standard I was requesting, and left no room for shortcomings or mistakes. Without catching a glimpse of myself, I formed my heart and mind around the things that were seemingly honourable, but had made corrupt by making it performative. I made the people I met dance for my attention, and conform to a way of life that could only be obtained with grace and over time. I sought after a finished product in a world of imperfection, and closed my heart to potential love as a result.

How do we know when these standards and ideals rear its ugly head? We examine the root and it’s fruit

❌ When a good thing turns toxic

When you force something or someone to conform to your standards that they have no knowledge of or the same desire for. It’s unfair to expect 100% from someone when they’re not already on the same page. If a person has proven to want different things or has other traits to offer, don’t force the shoe on a foot that doesn’t care to enter. It becomes detrimental to both parties involved.

❌ When a good thing turns caged

If that love interest or that job opportunity doesn’t meet every thing on your list, you’re quick to write it off. Your standards have now become rigid in its nature. Without intending to, you’ve become someone who’s looking for ‘the one’. That one God-given thing that was designed with you in mind. There’s no amount of careful planning and selection that can guarantee perfection. Don’t allow these ideals to become your bible.

❌ When a good thing turns into a defence shield

Often, standards are used to protect ourselves from disappointment and to guide us into the best in store. But more times than not, they become a shield to hide behind from our insecurities, from our past hurt and from the fear of failure. When you begin to project these notions of what’s most ideal to you onto others, it can become a force that repels rather than attracts.

❌ When a good thing becomes reductive

Very few things in this life are simple. And when people are involved, you’re bound to have an array of complex personalities, beliefs, attractions and experiences. Standards are often formed into a neat little list with key words highlighted in yellow. However, this reductive approach can miss out on so many good things and the finer details that help to shape a beautiful love story, flaws n all.

So, in what circumstances can our ‘list’ cause more good than harm?

🍏 When it sifts out the negatives

There’s a difference between those who have some quirky differences vs. those who are the complete opposite of your spec. Not everything requires your energy or attention, nor will you have the time to give every thing or everyone the opportunity. Understand what a healthy and pleasing choice is to you, and start from there. The point is to sift out the negatives, so stop being so scrutinising with those who meet the cut. Be open and free to learn more about others, give the benefit of the doubt and listen to your spirit man. No one is perfect, but there are some who show great compatibility.

🍏 When it brings peace, reassurance and value

At the foundation of every thing, for me at least, I want to live a life of value, and one in peace. Allow your standards to guide you into those things that foster this, and don’t over complicate the small finer details. There is a time for all things to fall into place and make sense. Take joy in the peace and the reassurance that someone brings to you.

🍏 When it is flexible and acknowledges intentional growth

If your list is only ever going to scrutinise without allowing the room for people to grow and to learn, then re-evaluate your intentions and pursuits. When someone shows you that they’re willing to learn and understand you, and does the most to ensure that you’re both on the same page and is eager to grow together, see this as a positive. You also will not be in your final form. Don’t set expectations that you yourself fail to meet. Show grace and humility always.

May we all not miss out on a good thing because of our flawed lenses.

Love and light,

Es x