What If?

What if you once giddily stood at the altar, before your family and all your friends, and vowed that you’d love only your chosen him? That there would never be anyone else again, and that you’d love only him until the day you died? What if you wore your gown of white as proof of your undying love for him, and you swore to the legitimacy of the promise you were making to only him? What if you faithfully and staunchly undertook to remain by his side, through all the good and all the bad, the up’s and all the down’s?

What if you convinced yourself that through sickness and health, poverty or wealth, you would stand up straight and remain loyal and devoted, and by his side? What if you pledged to love and cherish him, and only him for the rest of your life? What if you believed that you got all you could get and, in the process, you unintentionally deceived your very own heart?

What if you were burying the hopes of finding a kind of a love you are not sure exists, and what if your soul rebels against your mind, and does not allow you to live anything lesser than truly-madly-deeply? What if you were flouting its gentle nudges and tender whispers as your mind frantically scolded and silenced it? What if you thought that love was an effortless and simple decision that you were capable of making without your heart’s approval or permission?

What if you mistakenly thought that your mind was smarter and far braver than your heart? What if, years after that moment, you awake in the middle of night, terrified by the unexpected thumping and vulnerability of your heart? Unsettled and desperately afraid, you sit up and try to identify what it is that so brusquely awoke and unnerved you. Your heart races, and your hands begin to tremble as an unidentified fear grips at it, almost as though being squeezed by two remorseless hands.

What if you look around you and for a moment, you are not quite sure you are where you should be? What if you feel like an imposter, looking in on a stranger’s life, a life you don’t want? And, while the world is asleep, while the humming of the birds are quiet and the sounds of the day has been silenced, the stillness begins to haunt and taunt you, as the battering of your own heart continues to demoralize and terrify you. What if, and for just an instant, you feel as though you don’t really belong in that very moment, and that it was all an enormous mistake right from the very start?

What if you scrutinize your surroundings and in disbelief, you discover that you just don’t fit in, you never really did? What if all it ever was, was a determined need to belong and to fit in with someone you like and are safe with?

As you try to recover from your rude awakening, you are left staring miserably at the ring on your finger and you are left glaring questioningly at the furrows on your face. What if the gold has turned cold in your wedding band, and the lines on your face was supposed to be someone else’s story to tell? What if the walls begin to cave in around you, the same walls you desperately tried to make a home in, but are now a prisoner in? What if you feel secluded and trapped, and you begin to wonder if your footprints have been covered up by the sand, or by the snow?

What if you feel finished in an unfinished life? What if he is no longer home to you, and never really was? What if his fingerprints on your heart are wiped clean and all traces of him, have disappeared from your heart? What if his name has been drowned out by the noises of your world, and his eyes have disappeared from your mind? What if your light for him has slowly burnt out, yet there is a fire that still burns inside of you? What if there are arms out there that fit flawlessly around you? What if you thought you were slightly broken, but forgot that you were worth loving? What if you took just what you thought you could get?

What if you thought you were slightly off-center? Like a clock that is not perfectly set, but would still chime and tell the time, even if it was five minutes too early or ten minutes too late? What if you forgot to value you and accept you for all that you are? What if you were so busy trying to make sense of your past and map out your future, that you missed the one your soul loves? What if you chose wrong? What if you were so desperate to rip apart from your unique self that in the end, you ripped a part from you? What if trying to repair you, finally broke you?

What if one day you wake up and your heart hurts? You feel unexpected anguish. You need never-before-needed validation of your place in the world. You need to matter more. You need to love, to truly-madly-deeply and ridiculously-foolishly-blindly love. Your loneliness is unpredictably excruciating. What if you realize that you chose to be loved, rather than to love, and now being loved is no longer as important as it once was? What if there is still evidence of your worth in a heart still searching for yours? What if a song might be playing right now, and that heart stops, because he misses you, even though he’s not quite sure who it is that he longs for? It might be that the winds carry the whispers of your name to him, and as he hauntingly stops to find you, he frantically gasps for air. What if he dreams of you, the girl whose face he can’t see, but whose soul misses yours?

What if you are still thriving in another’s dreams? What if he longs for a place, he’s not sure exists anymore, and has no idea if he will ever find you there? What if he is stuck in a moment, holding his breath, afraid that he might miss you? Anxious that he might never find you, terrified that you might have passed him by forever. So, beautiful and deserving soul, wake up and be true and faithful to your heart. Don’t hold hostage a heart that does not belong to you. Let him go and let him find the soul that misses his. Be loyal to your Spirit.

Your what-if’s are closer than you think, and time is shorter than you will ever know. Don’t be safe. Don’t search for stability or comfort. How can your dreams come true while your eyes are closed, or while you settle for a good-enough fit? Look for the magic of the one that is searching for you, the one that fits you like a glove. Look for the miracles heading in your direction and hear the gentle nudging of your soul. Don’t sidestep them, and never hide from them. Don’t allow your mind the power your heart is trained for. Don’t be the girl who stares at those walls blankly someday, the one who does not have a story for the lines on her face. Meet love halfway. Don’t wake up in the darkest of nights, tormented by all your should-have-been’s and never, ever allow for what-if’s.

Throw out any reservations your mind, your might have been’s, rake up and discard all sense, shelter and reasoning, and make space for the instinctive messages between your heart, your soul and your mind. There is never a do-over for any of us, and time is too short for anything less than a magnificent, delightful and an exhilarating kind of love with no regrets.