Welcome to the Madhouse

How many of you actually read the whole article instead of just reading the title and posting? Be honest! I'm so guilty of not checking facts and not doing this that and other and I always get burned. But more and more lately I find myself being more and more cautious of the information that I ingest. To me its clear to see that there is something DEEPER than what meets the common eyes going on.

In the most subtle of ways I find myself being a sheep, not being a free thinker and just following the shiny glittery objects. A lot of times these articles are so false its not even funny. It just goes to show us there is a lesson everywhere for us to learn about ourselves.

Every choice and every moment is an opportunity to learn about myself. The more I learn about myself the more I come to wholeness which brings me in part to the space of co-creation. I'm not there yet but this is what I believe to be true. The best way to learn about myself is to observe myself and pull away from identifying as the body, the human, the labels and step back from that. Just objectively watch myself go through my motions. It's life changing when I start to watch then ask, "Why do I do that? What causes me to do that?" Ya know, Neil Gaiman said as a great exercise for writers is that we should write out everything we think we know. I guess this is kinda a moment where I'm writing down something I think I know, sharing it, and just moving through the process of not caring weather you engage or not. It's interesting what people won't tell you. I'd rather have those conversations honestly, the ones you have where people avoid having them, they don't want to tell you the truth because they worry about hurting you. Make sense?!?!

I am learning to not worry about what your story is about me, how I showed up in your life and how you still see me there. This is hard work for me. I have shown up fucked up in peoples lives no doubt. I take FULL responsibility for that and I forgive myself for that. I will not carry that guilt and shame on my shoulders anymore. I CAN AND WILL FORGIVE MYSELF. That weight is to much for anyone to have to carry, I pray for all those who carry immense guilt and shame in their hearts, its really painful. I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, I thank you.

Random thought, I took down the posting of the article I wrote because if you know me and we have had deep talks you have heard my story, fuck man I am a broken record with my story. I have identified with my story for so long and used it for fucked up ways of validation and love, so I took it down. I took it down because you're gunna read a couple sentences and click away, and honestly that first article was depressing, had a weird tone. I did rush it, I wanted to get something out, so there we go. But I also find myself when I send it to people that there is still this validation I'm seeking from peers. This is really deeply woven into the fabric of my being. If there was a tragic flaw about me, as a character of a movie, my own life's movie it would be that. To the extents I have had my thoughts and actions go in order to be seen as worthy or validated. I might as well have been a prostitute. I kid you not, just whoring my energy around. PLEASE LOVE PLEASE LOVE ME. This is just my honest and open corona virus confession. There's more, much much more....

I say all this really because in times of isolation and I say this confidently, we can find ourselves, deeper layers of the self, new things about ourselves, and it's even more awesome when you notice it in the most subtle of ways.... The more subtle the mo bettah.

Instead of journaling I just wrote that to ya'll...

I know everything will be okay, fuck man I have had a hard time in my own head grasping what's going on. Diving into the rabbit hole of the conspiracies that have been happening behind the scenes, it's fucking crazy out there right now. If you're paying any bit attention you know there is something huge happening right now. So just do your best to stay calm, meditate, stretch, be creative, AND BREATHE. Being grounded in this time and not panicking and giving into the fear is how you overcome it. There is all sorts of crazy stuff happening on the outside that is really intense, they have hacked our psyche big time, individually and collectively and the only way THE ONLY way is through the fear. Face it, call it out, put a name to it, recognize it, give it love, blanket it in love... I am having to do this every day, its a practice, but in isolation I have found a deep love for writing.

We are being taught to take care of our bodies, to go inside, its all we have left. The universe is showing us the benefits of us SLOWING down. We don't always have to be on the go go go. I know sometimes I come across like a preacher, FULLY AWARE OF IT. But I ask myself why? I don't know yet honestly. I mean, I do feel I have learned a few things in my 35 years of circling the sun and moon. We are connected to something much much greater than ourselves and that "thing" we're connected to connects us to EVERYTHING. So you raise your vibration WE raise our vibration.

DISease = The body in DIS-EASE.

Slow down = Come back to self.

Get back to nature in your isolated states, wander around parks by yourself. Contemplate what is your life's purpose, really? Be loving and compassionate with yourself. Begin to innerstand so you can outerstand and get from out under. Digging yourself out is no easy task, the truth isn't a easy journey into the woods where it sits in a dark cave. Give yourself time to adjust but stop watching the news, I gotta live my life because fear has a bit of a grip on me right now.

Money money money. I have been healing my relationship with money over the past few years. I had a distorted view of it, guess why? Because I had distorted view of myself.

DING DING DING!!! REFLECTION POINT! AND IT'S GOOD!

The fear of no money is fucking with our deeply rooted need for survival. If I don't have this I won't survive. Well I agree and I don't. Staying in the limited mindset of there is never enough or there won't be enough or there isn't enough, that mindset is perpetuated by outside forces. It will show up, one way or the other, the earth provides, effortlessly to its inhabitants, does it not. We must stay in a vibration of love and it will come. I have to tell myself this right now as I am freaking the fuck out I won't be able to pay rent and I am going to have to move home. Ugh, that's the last thing I want. So I am seeking solutions, I am doing what I can, and will get through this storm just like you. If you have the ability to help help because there are people who truly need help and need a miracle.

Can I make an offering? Okay thanks...

Don't think about how it will make you feel one bit. Contribute because it's what must happen.

I love you.

With love,

Justin